I found out during covid that the brain tumor which I've had surgically removed twice already.has decided to grow back. Only treatment is another surger, yea!!

The first surgery left me with left side paralysis after they removed the jumbo egg mass from 2" deep on the right side. I had a pulmonary embolism a few months after my surgery that came.woth a whole new set of problems. Took years of physical therapy to regain enough feeling to walk without a cane, but I still trip on the smallest shit. I was left mentally destroyed, emotionally a disaster, PTSD and a lot of fears.

Second surgery left me with partial focal seizures on the left side, they hurt like he'll and I don't lose consciousness. They're pretty well controlled with Briviact and Lamictal. This one left me even more emotionally messed up.

It is the first thing I think of when I wake up, what crosses my mind a hundred times a day and the last thing I think of before bed. I am truly fucked up. To everyone in the world, I am just fine. But truth betold, I have just gotten really good at acting like I'm completely fine, totally composed and emotionally stable. I am emotionally and mentally exhausted, I've been going through this since 2006.

Now I face a third surgery, but when I am ready since its so small.

I finally have a job that I'm proud of, but life is getting overwhelming again.

It's crossing my mind to just set a date and have the surgery, flip the coin on survival. If I die on the table then I won't have to deal with my problems any more and I can go to God, but on the other hand if I survive, I might come out more fucked up. I still won't have to deal with my current "real" world stresses and bullshit. I'll just have to focus on recovery again only this time I won't rush it like last time.

It has also crossed my mind to just step into traffic or take all my clonazepam and that will be that.

I AM SO TIRED OF THIS, TIRED OF NOT BEING ME, TIRED OF THE SEIZURES, AND TIRED OF PRETENDING ALL THE TIME AND NO ONE (NO ONE!!!!) UNDERSTANDS.