I call it the Polywaggle Potion: 1 part mescaline, 2 parts ayahuasca, 3 tablespoons of lemon juice, and the shredded remains of exactly 1 page from the first book in R.A. Salvatore's The Legend of Drizzt series (only the best books will work, for those trying at home). I settled into my need-to-know pose, surrounded myself with a ring of candles and some of the most important and sacred books I could find: Rowling’s Harry Potter and the Prisoners of Azkaban, Huxley’s Brave New World (more accurate than 1984 in my opinion, I could teach you why but I’d have to charge), Sanderson’s Mistborn, Feuerbach’s Principles of the Philosophy of the Future, King’s IT, and, of course, Adam’s Hitchiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Safely ensconced in my literary sanctuary, I drank the concoction.

15 minutes later it hit me. I found myself hurtling through space and time in a corridor of pure textual energy. Scintillating colors and book smells assaulted my senses; countless pages of text flew by, forming impossible geometries of books that I am no closer to comprehending now than I was then. I saw endless cover arts, heard the crinkling of innumerable pages, was deafened by the sound of infinite audiobook narrators. I had pierced the veil of reading itself.

And then, all of a sudden, I came to an abrupt halt. In front of me was a vast number, ceaselessly counting upwards. I could not even begin to tell you how far it had reached in its calculating. Struck by the majesty, but confused by its purpose, I sat there gaping until I heard a voice from behind me.

“Magnificent, isn’t it?”

I turn around as best I could, and lo and behold who sat there but Dante himself! Yes, the very protagonist of the famed Devil May Cry series was before me. I choked out a question: “What is it?” He replied, “Why, it’s the great GoodReads challenge. The sum total of all books, all texts, anything that can be put on GoodReads is right here. The collective amount of reading of every sapient being in the universe.” He smiled, and I wept; not from fear or sadness, but from an overwhelming sense of serenity. After awhile he nudged me, and said, “Isn’t there something else you wanted to ask me?” Trying to compose myself, I managed to utter a few words: “Yes, yes…the reason I came all this way… Can you suggest me a book to read?”

He looked puzzled, and a moment later he responded “It doesn’t matter what you read, as long as you are reading.”

“It doesn’t matter?”

“That’s right.”

“It doesn’t matter as long as I’m reading something?”

“Yes.”

“As long as I’m reading!” I cried out. “As long as you’re reading!” he yelled in return. With rapturous joy I repeated my cry, and the great master joined me. “As long as I’m reading!” we screamed in unison, again and again. My voice grew hoarse and my throat bled, but I cried out without cessation. Until suddenly, I blacked out.

I awoke to the sound of my neighbor banging on the walls, telling me to shut the fuck up. He did that often, so I ignored him, but realized I must have been screaming my new found wisdom into the material plane I normally occupy. I immediately got up, fell down, and got up again to spread the word of my discovery. The first thing I could think of was to share it with you all here, and so that is what I have done.

I guess the main takeaway is that it doesn’t matter what you read, as long as you are reading. Go figure, huh?