As we all know, the 20th century literati have succumbed completely to devastating critiques of snobbery and know-it-all syndrome. Indeed, the necessity of literary knowledge has been consigned to the dustbin of history. The 21st century literati are now on the scene – a club that confers status and class the likes of which previous generations could only dream. But attaining membership is no easy task. So, in my infinite generosity, I’ve come up with a guide to help floundering souls achieve true literary ascension.

The key to the new literati is the combination of a disaffected attitude and a carefully cultivated appearance of modesty towards books. Rather than attaining knowledge about literature, the goal of the new literati is simply to subtly engender a deep amount of shame in those unfortunate fools who come into their presence. Specifically, a shame about reading nothing but YA fantasy novels (which you also do). This goal is achieved mainly through well-placed literary references that cannot be traced back to any actual knowledge of a book, and relies on the common tendency for people to avoid any confrontation whatsoever about aesthetic matters, for fear of having to defend their opinion.

THE ART OF THE REFERENCE

References must be made casually and seem as if they are simply a natural habit of someone who reads so much literature that making references comes as easily as breathing.

For example, consider this statement: “Wow, [current event] is like something out of an Ishiguro novel.” This statement works in multiple ways. It suggests you know a well-respected author, that you’ve read a significant amount of their work, and that you’ve astutely connected what’s currently happening around you to the themes of those works, and, most importantly, that you think that the statement should be readily understood by all who hear it. It is also completely immune to being called out, which is key as you have not actually read any Ishiguro novels. The immunity works in the following ways:

• Your audience has never heard of Ishiguro: they are suitably cowed by your knowledge of the works of authors with foreign names.

• Your audience has heard of Ishiguro but never read them: they probably heard he won the Nobel Prize and thus know he’s important, and are impressed that you’ve read and understood him enough to make such statements.

• Your audience has read some of Ishiguro’s works: They assume that your reference must be made in regards to some of his works they haven’t read.

• Your audience has read all of Ishiguro’s books: they will not say anything in fear that they have missed some important thread that connects his works to the target of your statement.

• Your audience is a contemporary English Lit professor: they will be too busy getting drunk and cheating on their SO at some conference, and thus won’t be around to hear your reference.

CLASSIC REFERENCES

The type of statement above works for any contemporary literature authors. BUT there is a significant caveat in regards to classic literature. The themes and events of the classics are often well-known to the public, even though no one has actually read them. But if you are to be literati, you must make people believe you have read the classics. To avoid being called out, your tactics need to change. Instead of making a generalized reference, you need to quote a line out of the classics and pretend that it makes sense in context. Since no one has read anything, they won’t know the context of the quoted line and won’t be able to judge whether or not it was appropriate.

For example: “Yeah I’m kind of shit at life, ‘dogs bark at me’ or whatever.”

This statement serves multiple purposes. It’s a Shakespeare reference, it’s self-deprecatory, and the “whatever” adds a disaffected attitude towards the reference itself, as if you don’t even care if it made sense or not. If someone asks what you meant by that line, you simply say “oh that’s some line from Shakespeare… Richard III I think?” Now it seems as if knowing the line is so common that you aren’t even sure that you know the correct source.

But, you ask, how can I reference such lines if I’ve never read the works? Easy, you just google “quotes of [insert classic here]” and look at them on Goodreads or something. If you are feeling adventurous, quickly skim the plot summaries in Wikipedia. What you should never do is actually read the work, as that will only serve to confuse you and open you up to mistakes.

APPEARING MODEST

Remember, being new literati is all about causing others to be ashamed about their reading habits. Nowadays, everyone is constantly wrestling with the deep internal shame that they are still reading children’s books as an adult. While it may seem that putting on airs is an effective way to do that, it will only lead to you suffering the same fate of 20th century snobs such as Harold Bloom (who died exactly because of this reason). If people think you are a snob, they will use that as a reason to excuse their own behavior, e.g. “Only snobs read that stuff; they aren’t special. I read for entertainment.” You have to make it seem like you also only read for entertainment, except that you read fancy adult books.

You must act as if reading literature is no big deal, and assume that everyone does it. NEVER mention how much you read or how many books a year you go through. If forced, always be as vague as possible: “Oh, I read this or that when I find the time.” If you describe yourself as a “lover of books,” “a voracious reader,” or even just a “reader” in general, everyone will know that you only read YA trash (which you, again, do). If you act like you don’t read that much, people won’t help but compare the low-brow schlock they read constantly, with the high-status books that you apparently read in your spare time. This will shame them deeply. If someone tries to justify the fact that they can only read a book if it has a hard-magic system or teen romance, simply agree with their justifications and say something like “Hey, at least you’re reading, right?” This will remind them that they are doing the least possible amount of effort to qualify as reading. Take a similar approach to people who listen to audiobooks, and claim that “Audiobooks are fine, but I like the feel of a book in my hands, plus I like to take notes in the margins.” This again reveals to them their own ineptitude. It is important that you never actually talk about what kind of books you read – only do so through veiled references.

BOOKSHELVES

To really cement your status, you need to have a collection of books that you’ve never actually read on your bookshelf. A common mistake people make is to neatly organize their bookshelves. This has already revealed you care too much. Your bookshelf should be haphazardly filled, with books placed with little-to-no care for organization. There is one important caveat to this. Your classic books should be placed in the back and in hard to see places. This suggests that you have already read them and thus placed them in a place that is harder to reach. Display your more obscure or contemporary books prominently. The less likely your guest actually knows the book, the less likely they’ll ask if you’ve read it. If you are still worried, then open up some of your books and randomly underline passages, to give the illusion that you have in fact read them.

Combine all that you have learned here, and with some practice, you will find yourself joining the ranks of the elite in no time.

FAQ

What if I’ve actually read a piece of literature?

You fool. You buffoon. You utter imbecile. If you’ve done that, you’ve wasted your time. Never actually reference that work, because you’ll be too caught up in whether you’ve done so correctly to be effective. You only need to seem as if you’ve read it.

What if I want to shoe-horn my education into my carefully constructed façade?

An understandable temptation, but one with many pitfalls. If you insist too much on being educated, you will be written off as stuck-up. If you must, keep this general rule in mind: the fancier the school you went too, the less you want to mention it. Do no more than have a generic sweatshirt with the name of the school on it, or an emblazoned glass somewhere in your home. Remember, affecting humility is key.

Never, ever admit to having an education in literature. This will allow others to easily explain your advanced knowledge, and thus make themselves feel better.

How do I know the best times to make references?

Remember that the references don’t actually have to make any sense. No one can call you out on them, so you simply need to make them. Practice making one or two references a week, and then slowly ramp up to 4 or 5 a week. Referencing too much gives the game away; you are trying to make it seem effortless.

TL;DR?

Oh, was it too long a guide? That’s ok, everyone reads at their own pace. Maybe there is an audiobook version you can listen to?