This post has been de-listed
It is no longer included in search results and normal feeds (front page, hot posts, subreddit posts, etc). It remains visible only via the author's post history.
For context I (34f) have been married to husband (41m) for 3 years, together six. He has 11m and 13f from previous marriage (hcbm). We have a baby (ftm) on the way.
I need advice/perspective on this situation that’s been making me crazy.
My husband’s son (10) likes to sleep in one of our living rooms. This was not an established behavior before I was in the picture, new within the past two years and getting worse. This behavior used to be only on non-school nights, however, in the summer it’s been EVERY night he’s here (50/50), weekdays and weekends. He has a bedroom but would rather sleep in the living room because of the TV and computers in close proximity. In this living room, my husband set up a full size mattress on the floor (blankets pillows the works), which is there pretty much permanently, and there is a large sectional sofa wrapping around the mattress. There is a huge TV on the wall, which SS watches movies on every day he is here, and a room we technically use as an office beside the living room (but don’t actually use because his son plays his video games on the computer in that room all the time).
My SS does not have chores/household responsibilities (permissive parent), so said living room, office, and his normal bedroom are trashed with toys, stuffies, food wrappers, dishes unless I clean it. Even when he is not with us, I still do not want to use the living room he lives in because it feels awkward and I’m sick of cleaning it. My husband point out that there are other living rooms I can use…
I’ve brought up to my husband that I don’t think it’s right that he sleeps in the living room all the time because it frankly it’s supposed to be a living space for everybody. He dismisses me and gets defensive, saying it’s not a big deal, and things don’t change….Living room, office, bedroom are still trashed. I cannot say anything to my SS about this (we’re not close), and it makes me not want to be around SS. Sometimes I feel like this such a stupid argument and I cannot believe I am having it. Am I crazy for thinking that he should sleep in his room? Any tips?
Would it help to put a tv and computer in his room. I have two step kids that age and older. If it weren’t for the kitchen, there would be days I don’t even realize they’re around. We gave up space like this to our youngest early on and later found out it was due to issues with her dad on his weekends. She was fearful to sleep in her room because of abuse away from home. It may be time to looking into the reasons outside of it just being a fun place to stay.
Another thought is to redecorate his bedroom. Make it a place that is more comfortable to hang out. If you take charge and work with him on designing the space, it can be a great bonding experience.
Subreddit
Post Details
- Posted
- 6 months ago
- Reddit URL
- View post on reddit.com
- External URL
- reddit.com/r/blendedfami...
As a fellow stepparent, I get the struggle. It’s finding ways to bond and having those small victories. Giving kids a sense of control and responsibility in their space goes a long way. We’re entering that preteen stage and the youngest is already picking out paint samples, furniture, and storage. She has a budget and knows she can’t have everything but has done well working with it. She also knows we’re working together so we have outings that are just us to go over her ideas.
Even if it’s mental, abuse is abuse. Kids process things differently and no matter how good things are on the surface, there may be underlying struggles. Our youngest suffers from PTSD because of the trauma. No should ever have to go through that. Hopefully in your case it’s nothing, but it’s okay to ask the hard questions to understand for sure.