So I have a 8yo daughter from my previous marriage. I coparent well with her father. It was an amicable break up and we have 50/50 custody. I have been dating my bf for 1.5 years and plan to move in with him next summer (so a year from now). My boyfriend doesn't have children of his own and we don't plan on having children together. We see marriage in our future but no concrete plans. My daughter knows we're moving in with him next year. Has picked out paint for her room and seems okay with it.

For the most part, I think my daughter is bonding with my bf as much as she can. But she doesn't really respect him as an adult. Her father and I had to correct our parenting in the past because we didn't set good boundaries and allowed her to see herself as an equal. She respects her dad and me and we've gotten better at setting boundaries. She respects some adults. But she sees other adults as "fun" adults that are just for play. (This is a behavior I'm trying to correct, NOT something I encourage.) And my boyfriend is definitely in the "fun" adult category.

I have been working with my bf on trying to get him to set firm boundaries without disciplining. One thing I noticed is that my bf is someone that clearly shows his emotions that even a child can pick up on. My daughter has learned how to annoy him to get the reaction she wants. I pointed it out to him and he has gotten better at keeping his tone of voice neutral when she is purposefully annoying him.

Another note, my daughter doesn't respond well to negative reinforcement. Most punishments just don't work. I have to focus on positive reinforcement. I'm cautious on punishing her too much for being disrespectful to my boyfriend because I don't wanna cause her to have negative feelings towards him.

In the past when she's taken things too far and I gave consequences, she lashed out and said things like "BF is here too much. I don't want him here" or something to that effect. This has deeply hurt my bf's feelings. He's afraid she'll resent him. The thing is, she's said similar things about her own friends that she asked to come over. If she isn't playing nicely and is sternly told she is in the wrong, she lashes out and says she doesn't like her friend and doesn't want them here. Then she'll cool down and want to play with them again 15 minutes later. (I am constantly working on her about empathy and how she makes other people feel with her words. I even have her taking empathy classes over the summer break.)

I'm trying to help my bf and daughter find something for them to bond over. We tried piano, my BF can play and my daughter was always interested and wanted to learn. So my BF bought her a keyboard for Christmas, taught her how to read music and helped her learn a few songs. She liked it at first but she's over it now. She just gets frustrated and lashes out at my BF when she isn't getting a song right away (she's a perfectionist). I asked my bf to start bringing a small gift or treat but he thinks that's bribing her.

My BF and daughter do get along and have fun sometimes. My BF found a few TV shows that they both enjoy. He bought a game that they both enjoy. But then sometimes they don't find common ground and my BF has to be the adult. I know it has to be hard to be a stepparent. The kid doesn't bond with them like they do with their bioparents. And he has to share me with her even when she's treating him unfairly.

I'm just trying to find ways to comfort and ease my boyfriends hurt feelings while also putting my daughter first. I want to make sure I split my time fairly and consider both of them.