Before I start, I want to say that if vulnerability or emotions trigger you, please stop reading. If insecurity triggers you, or it makes you upset if black women are insecure, stop reading.

I am also American, so I'm speaking on the perspective of being a black American woman.

I am chronically online and depressed so my judgement may be skewed, but I feel like black women are emasculated and not allowed to show emotions besides neutral and slightly happy. We aren't seen as women by the black community and general society, and aren't seen as being able to be gentle or vulnerable, and those who are sensitive, are are treated horribly.

We all know about the stereotype of the strong black woman, and that makes it just worse. I personally am not emotionally strong. I have been treated horribly by my family and peers and have been shown genuine disgust if I am sad or teary or cry. A white woman, latina, asian etc, (especially white women tears) crying sends people to flock to save her. Nobody cares about black women’s feelings. Including other black women and men.

I am also insecure. I get shamed if I express that I am insecure by people and ESPECIALLY BLACK WOMEN. Yes I am still trying to cope with being dark, and that enrages people, but it is the truth. I am in therapy for it, but I struggle with my identity and I don't know if I will ever accept it. I feel ugly, less than, worthless, and hyperviligant about my behavior and emotions as I feel as if they are watched more closely than everyone. Don't be the angry black woman. Don't be weak. Don't be sensitive.

As a result, I am colder. My heart has been broken. I have a fear of intimacy. I cannot show vulnerability, intimacy, or weakness in my relationships. I have times where I go numb and can't even laugh or cry.

I have social anxiety, depression, ocd, and adhd all diagnosed (I am not trying to glorify mental illness or hold it as a trophy or victimize myself btw) and mental illness is just not cared about in black people and especially black women. It hurts me deeply to know that I am truly alone.

Men tell me that I am stone cold wall. When I try to date, they complain about me not opening up. How could I? Why would I open up just to be shamed for it, and feel worse than before? I don't even want to open up to other black women. Black women in my life shame me. I'm prepared for the pitchforks for this…but…white women have been more caring and empathetic towards me despite not even being able to relate or truly understand. And that is just…kind of sad…

I just want to know if anyone else feels this way or sees it, maybe you don't feel this way, I would like to hear about both and all perspectives on this, however I do not want to be shamed for my weakness and vulnerability.