Why was i literally just sitting here eating dinner and I randomly remembered the downright traumatic shit my mum said to me when I lost my virginity??

When it happened I was just about to turn 19 and I lied to my parents about it happening. they still figured it out pretty easily, Considering they knew about the guy I had been dating and I came home super late one night looking a mess. this is where my post earns its content warning flair, and I really want to disclaim that the things my mother says about sex and sexuality are not my belief at all. And if you’re sensitive to reading about stigma around sex, maybe don’t read on. But a full year or so later, my mum staged some sort of well-meaning intervention with me where she said a lot of hurtful things, one of which being that she told me she thinks my out of control sexual behaviour is probably gonna cause me to become severely ill, from Aids for example. Also told me since all I care about is sex I should drop out of university and go into sex work. At this time she was also threatening to kick me out of my home so I was trying my best to make a rushed plan for money and where I could live with.

Guys, keep in mind that my first time was protected sex with my first ever boyfriend who I had been dating for a few months. Not that if it wasn’t, I would’ve deserved it. Nobody deserves to hear that kind of thing after their first time. It’s just that the way some(!!!) Black mums treat their daughters when they become sexually active is… a lot. But i could make a whole other post about that. My point is, considering I’m now 21, working on my relationship with my mum, and her behaviour towards me has improved beyond what I ever thought she was capable of, how do i work through these random feelings of resentment, anger and sadness which bubble up in me unexpectedly?

I’ll be doing so well, and then I just feel so angry with her all over again that I can barely look at or talk to her. I worry that if i brought it up now she would say I took it out of context or forget she even said it, so I don’t know that bringing it up again is effective. Funnily enough, I had a similar situation where my dad said something insensitive about the same topic, but I brought that up a year later and he apologised without making a single excuse. Maybe i can get there with my mum one day. I don’t know

I have a pretty strong feeling the answer is therapy but it’s notoriously difficult to get therapy in the UK so that’s probably not a possibility for me until I have the income to go private. But if anyone has any book suggestions, methods they’ve discovered to cope with these feelings, anecdotes, etc. I would appreciate it so so much. Thank you❤️