In 2019, we were young black women scrolling on Reddit, interlopers on that corner of the internet which skews male. I had wrote on this community of my despondence about the rise of far right extremism around the world, including how I heard a white South African say that “his” country rightfully belonged to white people. A user commented that she felt the same way and that in her country of Denmark, people would say similar racist things. She offered her time if I ever wanted to talk about it. We did end up talking about it and have been talking almost every day for the past three years. Thus began the transatlantic meme trade, a nod to our off-color humor and the ocean that spans between us.

I didn’t expect us to talk for more than a week, let alone four years. We quickly went beyond usernames.

As a young adult, your friends are the true loves of your life. Friendship is life-affirming and sustaining. I met Lauren at a time when I had few close bonds and no intention of building any. Through this friendship, I learned that life is something to be savored. I was depressed and saw the days ahead of me as something I had to get through, something to down quickly like cough medicine.

In Lauren, I found not just a friend but a fellow intellectual. Together, we criticize the entire world and poke fun at our own failings. I don’t know another person I can talk to about radical feminism and also share pictures of cute outfits and yummy meals. Lauren and I believe that we should have been neighbors in Sumeria where we’d have doting husbands, adorable fat babies, and live peacefully. We have a running bit where we make fun of esteemed linguist and scholar Noam Chomsky for speaking only two languages.

Lauren and I are haters, or, as I like to put it, “cultural critics”. Our transatlantic trade goes beyond absurd memes, I introduced Lauren to bell hooks and she introduced me to Octavia Butler. Together, we discovered the work of Andrea Dworkin. While we do have serious two-hour long conversations about relationships, pornography, and race, we love to riff off each other and laugh.

Here is a glimpse of a conversation we had where Lauren reassured me in her matter of fact way that I will find romantic love someday:

Lauren: But I do think you will experience requited love

Me: Just in 46 years <3

Lauren: Statistically it would be very unlikely for you not to

Lauren: That’s so dramatic

Lauren: It’s much more likely for it to be within the next decade than in 2067

Online friendships are often made fun of and misunderstood. People think that a friendship found on the internet can’t be as deep or intimate as a real life friendship. In the early days of the world wide web, it was believed that only losers and social outcasts sought out friendships online in chatrooms and forums for their obscure interests. “Dungeon Master 4 Dungeon Master”, that sort of thing. Despite the advent of social media, this narrative still exists.

While it may appear as though Lauren and I are two peas in a pod, we have very different personalities. Lauren is more social, assertive, and confident while I’m more gentle, unassuming, and quiet. I would have been too intimidated to be her friend. Also, in a school environment, there are layers of social fabric that can be hard to cut through. In our case, colorism would have been one of them.

Lauren is biracial: her father is Ivorian and her mother Danish. I am a Rwandan-American with dark skin. While Lauren is cognizant of her privilege as a fairer skinned black person, the difference in our social standing in a school setting would be hard to ignore. As someone who grew up feeling unnoticed and unattractive because of my complexion, I doubt I would have considered her as a potential friend, assuming that she’d see me as beneath her. Such an assumption would have cost us an amazing friendship.

Sure, Lauren may just barely pass the paper bag test, but that doesn’t exist in Denmark. In a country where most people have blue eyes, she is considered dark. My hometown in upstate New York is only 0.45% black. My friend in the third grade joked about calling the cops on me. Is that friendship more real than the one I have with Lauren just because I knew that girl in real life? Lauren hears people casually say the n-word all the time. We were both outsiders.

Internet safety is so important, but the fear that everyone you speak to online is secretly a predatory forty year old man in a basement is unfounded. At this point, I’d have to commend this supposed middle-aged man who is taking the time to befriend me, get nothing sexual out of it, remain up to date on Gen Z slang, and get a biracial Danish girl to facetime me in order to maintain the illusion of friendship. In a time when my soul was starved for companionship, I found it online. Why is that considered embarrassing?

When Lauren traveled to Italy, she sent me a picture of a note she wrote in an old church book: “Pour l’amitié qui traverse le monde.” Translation: “For the friendship that traverses the world.” A testament to our bond. The only phrase I know in Danish is “Jeg elsker dig” which means “I love you.”

tl;dr: I met one of my best friends through this lovely forum and we spoke almost every day for four years. While we may no longer be friends, she really helped me grow as a person. I can say I am a different person for having known her and there are no hard feelings. I'd like to extend my thanks to this community for existing.