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please note this is from an intake form with my psychiatrist and I am too tired to even think about editing certain things. I know reassurance won't help but I need to rant cuz I cannot tell my boyfriend this at the moment.
This is gonna be all over the place, just a small warningÂ
I have been having on and off anxiety about my relationship with my boyfriend since June or so. I am a bisexual woman, have been for years, never really had too many crushes on women, maybe one or two genuine ones, but the rest were for attention. a couple of my crushes/dating men were the same (my most recent ex, who I brought to prom with me so I wouldn't be alone, though I did like him in some aspects), most of them real and passionate, like this one so my sudden onset of anxiety is really making me anxious about the future of my relationship. Sometimes it's not bad and I can function but other days I can't get out of bed because I have this pit of anxiety in my stomach. It mostly surrounded a video about comphet, about how a woman came out later in life, and then my friend (female) broke up with her boyfriend which made me anxious, and then I started having thoughts of "what if my boyfriend was a placeholder for her" which is not the case, I know that, but I started avoiding her if she came into my city in case she wanted to hang out because I was so nervous I actually did like her or "what if I'm actually gay and have never actually liked my boyfriend and have been a victim of comphet this whole time?" So I started a constant cycle of googling the symptoms of comphet, the lesbian masterdom, to which I did relate to some things but I'm sure most bisexuals do because we are attracted to women. and it made me keep thinking and thinking to the point being with my boyfriend was so anxiety inducing because what if I am gay and I'm just lying to him? he's muslim and I am christian, he knows I'm bi and is fine with it, so I don't talk about it much, never really did even before him. back to the situation, it was this constant cycle of what if I'm lying to him? and thinking back our entire relationship to see if I was actually a victim of comphet. things like, did kissing make me uncomfortable? what about making out? him fingering me (TMI but you need the full scope)? we didn't have sex until august, at that time my anxiety was low so I was enjoying it, I think? I couldn't stop thinking about it. now that I'm back to questioning everything I overthink when we're having sex if I am enjoying it, if I'm wet enough, it kinda hurts sometimes (its the condoms we use, if he's not wearing one I'm fine, he has not finished inside me I will mention that). I've asked my friends and family for reassurance and guidance and have talked to the campus counsellors plenty of times and while it did help in the moment, the anxiety came back. it's important to note this questioning really only comes back when it's time to do something important, like when we were talking about meeting his parents, and then when the days leading up to meeting his mother. I kept googling why I felt like this, so many reddit threads of late bloomer lesbians and everything in between and I kept panicking what if that's me? what if that's me? and then I found something about hocd/so-ocd and it sounded like what I'm dealing with so I decided to look for therapists that could understand my confusion and anxiety and help me. I have managed to quiet the anxiety and it has allowed me to see, yes I do love my boyfriend, I am aroused by him, I do want to be intimate with him, in any form. another part of me is relationship anxiety about what if it doesn't last, or what if we breakup because I am actually a lesbian? what if I end up not being fulfilled by him and I should've been with a woman this whole time? though that last one I don't think is an issue because I feel loved and fulfilled when I'm not anxious about everything going on. another part of it is what if I just think he's ugly? what if I don't react properly to a gift? am I reacting properly? I only really cried to the first gift he gave me, I still got really excited about the next gifts he got me and flowers, not to tears though, just happy and giddy, and lately my brain is like are you happy enough?Â
I feel like all the ruminating and anxiety makes me kinda numb to all the excitement I'm meant to feel.
I can't tell if my change in how fast I'm aroused is because we are progressing in our relationship, anxiety, so-ocd, or comphet, I don't think its the last one cuz ive always enjoyed being intimate with him but some lesbians say they did enjoy having sex with men before women, I can't say if I would enjoy sex with a woman, I never really pictured or fantasized about sex until I met my boyfriend and it took a couple months before I started telling him about these fantasies. I feel like that's normal. part of me is worried I haven't enjoyed our recent romps because of comphet but I think its cuz he's being a bit rough sometimes and I'm too scared to say anything, also the condom issue cuz if he slips out and its it back in it hurts but when its uncovered it doesn't hurt at all, we're gonna invest in lube to make it easier for us, and the anxiety and overthinking, and also the worry of my suite mate hearing us. I found myself thinking about if I was actually enjoying the sex instead of actually enjoying it. it could also be the position. part of me was sorta enjoying it the other part wanted to stop but I also didn't wanna take it away from him cuz I'd feel bad but I think that's just a people pleasing thing.Â
ive been finding eye contact kinda odd too, but ive always been this way, I like it sometimes, it just doesn't heighten the experience for me and I get kinda nervous to open my eyes if he's on top of me, which is what worries me there and I ruminate about that, even before we started having sex I recall often closing my eyes to feel things more. I did sometimes think to myself, let him enjoy it you're fine when he first started toying with the idea of penetration but if I got uncomfortable cuz it was to early on (like in may or so) he'd stop. penetration just made me nervous but once he did it felt good. sex doesn't feel like a chore, neither does making out, most of the time I initiate because I find it fun. it does take a minute lately for me to get fully aroused but I think that's just normal female things. when we first had sex for the first time ever I felt incredibly anxious after but its gone away now, and I enjoyed it, I couldn't stop thinking about it the day after. he and I have agreed to stop doing things while my roommate is around which is kinda relieving cuz it gives me time to figure things out.Â
before we started having sex he put the decision on me of when we should do it (this was before June) which made me really anxious cuz ive never had sex with anyone ever so it could've just been that because he also felt anxious, I sometimes cried from the anxiety with him cuz part of me didn't want to upset him but I also didn't want to rush and I wanted to be sure I could trust him.Â
I think that's all of it, I do apologize for the essay but ive been slowly accumulating things and have thought over the entire relationship like "was I actually excited when we started dating? or was I just tolerating it?" which I was not tolerating it, I was over the moon. I still am I know deep down I am but there's this constant fear of what if I'm just in denial and I don't like men, I don't like him and I never have? what do I do then? but I know I like him, so I don't know why I am so panicked. sometimes I worry I mistook platonic for romantic with him and romantic for platonic with women you know? I have had crushes on my male friends before cuz they gave me attention, same with women.Â
I've been overanalyzing any interaction with him, currently and in the past, and my female friends to see if ive mistaken anything and if ive been a victim of comphet this whole time. I know this is common in people with so-ocd, which is why I think this is so-ocd and not comphet. it is so much more confusing because I am bisexual. I know I like women to an extent, maybe not sex, though I didn't think about sex at all until my boyfriend and I became more committed, so I'm confused. I watched female solo porn even before this questioning, mostly straight porn though. I didn't picture myself in the situation though I just wanted to hear the sounds I think. I now just worry that I have never loved my boyfriend all of a sudden even though I know I do. sometimes looking back at pictures makes me anxious and other times it makes me really happy because I know I love him when I am not anxious. if there's any clarification needed I will provide it.
im so worried Im gonna meet someone else and my attraction to him will just vanish, that's another thing that pops up, they could be male or female. sometimes I do look at men and see hm would I date him if I weren't in this relationship which makes me feel guilty cuz my boyfriend is a lovely guy and I adore him with all my soul which is why I am so damn stressed.
I also had a dream back in like June July ish where I was on my bed with a girl, I woke up about to throw up from anxiety, she was pretty yeah sure but oh god no I can't do that. I don't want that. I love my boyfriend why is this dream happening oh fuck am I just in denial?
thinking about saying the words im a lesbian to him or my friends doesn't feel right but sometimes I have an urge to confess, like a couple weeks ago when we were having a really intense convo, I just had this urge to say "I think im a lesbian and I want to break up" thing is tho I DONT WANNA DO THAT. I know I love him and am sexually attracted to him.
ive been watching videos by the channel awaken into love as suggested by someone on here and I saw someone mention that during sex they lose desire due to ROCD and that happened to me the most recent time I had sex with him. I was aroused and excited about it but once we started going I kinda zoned out and started thinking about if I was enjoying it even though in the few times in the past we've had sex (we're freshly not virgins yippee) I enjoyed it. it could've been the intensity, the amount of stress I am under as a club exec and a pre med student, and the fact my suite mate was in the room next to me could've also taken me out of it. I feel like intimacy is becoming a slight compulsion.
whoever takes the time to read all of this and respond I will adore you forever thank you so much I really needed to get this out cuz my appointment isn't till Monday and it is really bad rn. I don't have intense anxiety like I sometimes do which worries me but I think that's called the backdoor spike which I also saw mentioned on awaken into love. if anyone needs clarity, ask for it. if you want more examples I have a list in my notes app of things I want to mention to my therapist.
sincerely a 19 y/o bi girl who is terrified of losing her boyfriend
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