My family is super conservative, and growing up (as well as now) any talk of relationships between people of genders other than male female were met with a lot of backlash or quotations about how it's an "abomination" or "sin". I'm currently in my twenties and for the past couple years I've been deconstructing/doing a 180 on basically everything I've been taught, and have finally allowed myself to question my sexuality.

When I was a kid/teenager I had friends who were girls who made me super nervous, who I couldn't stop looking at, and would make my stomach churn talking to them. At the time, I thought I just admired them and wanted to be like them. Now, I realize those feelings were similar (but not exactly the same) as how I felt when I had a crush on a guy.

In college I'm pretty sure I had a crush on a woman my freshman year. Again, at the time I thought it was admiration. Not so sure anymore. I enjoy fantasizing about women and have had dreams about women, which before a few months ago made me super uncomfortable and I kind of just repressed it. However, I don't think I could envision myself in a long-term relationship with a woman. I've only ever dated guys, but I don't know that I'm completely heterosexual given my internal experiences.

I'm now in a long-term relationship with a man who I love with my whole heart, but I'm finding that it's making me feel relieved to explore this mentally. I'm scared of being wrong though - what if I tell someone I'm bisexual, and then later figure out that I'm not? I'm afraid of being seen as just "pretending" to identify with the LGBTQ community if I change my mind later or like I'm being flippant about the whole thing. Also, what if this is just normal for people who identify as heterosexual and I'm making a big deal out of nothing? I'll also likely never have a relationship or sexual experience with a woman since it's likely I'll marry the man I'm currently with.

P.S. I deeply apologize if any of this reflects internalized homophobia/biphobia on my part that I didn't recognize. I'm continually working on it; I'm really trying to break down my internal biases that my family taught and encouraged.

Edit: Update ya’ll: I’m hella bi lmao. How the hell did i not realize this years ago lol im so dumb