Coming soon - Get a detailed view of why an account is flagged as spam!
view details

This post has been de-listed

It is no longer included in search results and normal feeds (front page, hot posts, subreddit posts, etc). It remains visible only via the author's post history.

6
Admiration, Infatuation, or Romanticization? Can’t stop thinking about my new friend
Post Body

Sorry this is likely to be all over the place; writing is therapeutic for me so just want to dump what’s on my mind to see if it helps. Feedback welcome, though fair warning: I may end up deleting this post.

Around when the pandemic started I (31m) have started playing an online video game with a new friend (let’s call him Allen). We play for hours just about everyday and over time have become pretty good friends. Over the course of the pandemic, there’s nobody that I’ve spent more time hanging out with. He’s very intelligent, has a ridiculous sense of humor and can be supportive when I or other teammates in the game we play ever begin to lack confidence. He works in an industry that I’m fascinated by, and currently lives in the city where I grew up. He’s a few years younger than me, but we seem to have a lot in common, and our differences are equally interesting to explore and understand.

I’m not out; there are only a small handful of people to whom I’ve revealed my sexuality. From following him on social media, I get the sense that Allen may also be bi, like me. There was one post (that he ended up deleting) that felt to me at the time like a big clue, but in general I notice many of the people who interact with him happen to be queer, so at the very least he’s tolerant and perhaps even a strong ally.

Over the months I’ve gotten closer to him and in general find myself thinking about him all the time. Somewhat obsessively. With my previous crushes (male and female) this has usually been the case. With Allen, I can’t quite place my feelings. Is this a crush? Do I just admire him in a “this is a cool and impressive dude” type of way? Am I simply excited at the possibility of a “bi, but not totally out” friend? Making new friends later in life is difficult, after all. I don’t really find myself fantasizing about him sexually, even though I think he’s perfectly handsome. Still, the obsessive thoughts about Allen have invaded my mind to the point where I’m thinking about him every hour of the day.

I find myself worrying that if/when he abandons this particular game, that the friendship that blossomed between us would wither away. He occasionally talks about the handful of dates (with women) he’s been on and I find myself feeling envy, even though, in the end, I think I just want him to be happy. We both live alone so I deeply understand the loneliness this pandemic has created for people like us. I can’t tell if my anxiety here is around him picking someone else over me, or him entering a relationship means less time for us to hang out.

When I went home for Thanksgiving, I learned that Allen was going to be sticking around my hometown. With him constantly on my mind, I felt that I needed to meet him — with the closeness I felt for Allen, I wanted to “graduate” from an online friendship to somebody who I’ve actually met in person. I also felt bad that he wouldn’t be able to be with his family during the holiday. Beneath that all, I wonder if a big part of me wanted to see if there was a mutual spark or connection in real life. I asked if would be open to meeting up (safely) and he seemed excited to do so. I got caught up in some other stuff and it was midnight so I asked if it was too late and he said no, so I drove over. At such a late hour, I didn’t know what to expect; I got both excited and nervous at the possibility of him expecting a hook-up. My intention was to pick him up to drive around the city and shoot the shit, but instead he invited me into his apartment. We both wore masks and had a good conversation for a couple of hours before I decided to go home around 2:30 AM.

The next day (or maybe the day after) I woke up, scrolled social media and came across a post that resonated so strongly I started to tear up. https://twitter.com/_moimichelle/status/1332405134974849030?s=12.

Since returning to my current city the obsessive thoughts about Allen have persisted, though, if not multiplied. But, after reading that twitter thread about romanticizing people right away, I fear that this is exactly the trap I’ve fallen into—not just with Allen, but with every crush (it’s been a long time since my last actual relationship) I’ve had in the last decade. Even though I’m now self-aware of this trap, I still find myself dropping any and all existing plans or obligations to hangout and play games with Allen when he asks.

I also find myself constantly doubting Allen’s feelings towards me, and assuming they’re unreciprocated. In my mind, I see him as a good friend, but he probably sees me as a gaming buddy. I assume that I’m not smart enough, or I’m too boring, too overweight, and possess too little confidence for him to possibly be interested in me, let alone attracted to me. FWIW, these self-image issues are something that my therapist and I are working on. There’s no evidence he feels this way about me! Also, why do I so desperately seek Allen’s validation?

Sorry for the word salad brain dump / essay. I don’t have a clear ask or question, but welcome any advice you may have. I guess the main things I’d be interested in hearing about from this group:

  • Has being bi ever made your friendships more confusing to parse? How have you navigated those situations? How did you figure out whether those feelings were platonic vs infatuation?
  • How do you stop thinking about someone obsessively?
  • How much of this can be chalked down to loneliness during a pandemic?
  • Should I talk about any of this with Allen?

Author
Account Strength
80%
Account Age
5 years
Verified Email
Yes
Verified Flair
No
Total Karma
115
Link Karma
2
Comment Karma
113
Profile updated: 3 days ago
Posts updated: 3 days ago

Subreddit

Post Details

We try to extract some basic information from the post title. This is not always successful or accurate, please use your best judgement and compare these values to the post title and body for confirmation.
Posted
4 years ago