Hello everyone, how you all are doing? Things must be busy this Saturday, but I figure out that I needed to post anyway because if I don’t, I will just dive in more into a self-loathing black hole.

I wanted to know how some of y'all deal with internalized homophobia and triggering words and actions from family?

 Long story short, I am a 31 yo woman that loves other women. However, apart from one experience that I had 10 years ago and a recent ex- girlfriend (long distance relationship-broke up before meeting, yeah, I know) nothing much.

Since I live in a conservative country, not LGBTIQ friendly, I never had the chance to have queer friends as well.  Also,because of my job, I have never really allowed myself to fully live my sexuality. I usually rely on online communities to find people that I can relate to.

Anyway, I had several conversations with my sister who identified herself as a bisexual woman with a preference for women. I thought that since we were both not straight that we could understand each other and relate. Boy was I wrong! I discovered someone that had some misconceived notions about the community, my life, and my sexual identity as well (because I am not as experienced and outgoing as her). She also exhibits  some internalized misogyny.

      Not all skin folk are kinfolk and if you have someone close to you that has the same logic as seen below, WATCH OUT! (Disclaimer: This can be triggering for some). Yes, this is what she really said to me.

-          You liking girls is a folie on your part

-          You are the one that is always running towards them (girls) but you never at the receiving end of their interest. Meanwhile, you don’t give any men a chance.

-          You are just afraid of men that’s why you are running away from them. If you are running away from something you don’t know that means that deep down that’s what you really like.

-          All the people that have been involved (intimacy wise) with you think you are crazy (because apparently, I am too eager to enter a relationship with them. That I am the one pursuing them, doing all the work etc...)

-          She  spoiled you . (In this case, she is talking about the older woman I had my first experience with. I was 20 she was 41 a the time. I was very aware that this wasn’t ever going  to go anywhere, just a fling on my part).

-          Even your mom saw that it was a folie, an irrational obsession on your part to like girls.

-          You don’t know what you are talking about, the LGBTIQQ people are bold, flamboyant, extroverted socials , their houses are full of people and always open, they are the life of the party, they like to go out. You are not like them; you don’t like to go out etc… ( So basically she is depicting me as the total opposite of that).

-          You are just trying to be like them that’s not who you really are.

-          I would let you go abroad, and you would realize you are not like them. You would come back with your tail between your legs.

-          How do you know you don’t like men? You have never had any real experience with them. Even what you do with them is a folie. ( I assume she is talking about the pegging sessions I had recently,  just to get a fix of my dominant side).

-          I would introduce you to some men, but you wouldn’t give them any pass. You would get mad and shut off.( Picturing me as a scuff/closed off woman when it comes to men).

-          I don’t want you to keep looking in a place you don’t belong while you could find your happiness elsewhere.

-          I don’t see you living with a woman. What will you do when they are making demands? what will you do with their jealousy? Queer women are morbidly jealous. You will never be able to manage etc…

-          You have never lived with a woman before; I have spent several years living with them and girls are annoying to live with.

• when it comes to men, there is a blockage from you. That was the same for me. I couldn't get pleasure the first times I had sex with men but once I started relaxing, getting ou of my head now I experience pleasure. ( Well, good for you but my life ain't a replica of yours and stop projecting tank you.

• you should see a sex therapist. ( so I assume she thinks I am broken sexualy. Like I need to see a third party to make me realize the light of dick😄).

Etc etc... the list is longer but I figured out that this is probably where I should stop it for now since that post is already as long as the Nile river.😅

If you want an update on how I am dealing with that, you can ask in the comments. Aka (not going so well😅 hence the question about internalized homophobia but I am still fighting to stay true to myself).

Mind you, all of that was done under spiritual authority not Christianity, but spiritual authority.

TLDR: Closeted woman that is attracted to other women finds out that her sister is a bixesual with a preference for women. She starts confiding in said sister, after some events, sister starts invalidating her and says some pretty messed up things about her sexual identity. Now, she suffers from internalized homophobia and self loathing episodes ( A never ending cycle of feeling good and then like shit because she lives with the sister and has to see her everyday).