I have mixed feelings about writing about my past.

On the one hand the past is over and we can't change it. Plus what happened, or didn't happen, was perhaps supposed to or not supposed to happen and I might not ever see it ever, so even if something could be done about the past it might not be in my best interest to do so.

On the other hand we learn from our past. What we know of it helps us go forward in some way. Plus, my experience at a certain time in my life might be a lesson for someone else at the same time of life.

What the hell am I blabbing about?

I've been thinking about my college years in the 1990s and missed opportunities. This is something I bring up from time to time.

First of all I wish I never had the burden of internalized homophobia. My interests in the same sex surfaced towards the tail end of my attendance of college, and it was problematic.

The problem certainly wasn't with the environment. It wasn't a crazy homophobic "Christian" college, so same sex intimacy was far from being discouraged. And I never feared my circle of friends would reject me for being with guys.

Yet I didn't feel free to consider the possibilities, or even enjoy the idea.

Basically I wish the idea of experimenting with guys were firmly on the table from my first day as a freshman.

There are few better environments to explore certain things than college. By nature you're supposed to be exposed to new ideas there. You stand to learn new things and new ways of thinking. So much interesting stuff goes on in classrooms, lecture halls, and labs.

Of course not all learning at college occurs within the halls of academia.

Many college students live in a dormitory. In any given dorm there are hundreds, sometimes thousands of people around the same age. Many of those are on their own for the first time. Many of those feel free to try new things for the first time.

This is the ideal time to experiment sexually.

So on top of wishing I weren't so afraid to like guys, I wish I had the initiative (and desire) to experiment with guys. I could've experienced so much during my sexual prime. I could've been many years ahead in my sexual awareness. I could've had more pleasant memories of my college years. The course of my future could've been different than what it turned out to be.

But then again maybe it wasn't my time yet. Who knows?

Anyways, the point I really want to make is to young people especially in college:

You are old enough to explore sexual things, yet not expected to consider making major decisions like marriage yet. You are in an environment in some cases with thousands of your peers. If you have questions about your sexuality, look to those peers. Chances are very good there is a friend nearby who is willing and able to help out, or has the same questions as you. You have an excellent chance of finding folks and opportunities to do things with them. Whether it's exploring the same sex, or BDSM, or group sex or whatever. If you have any curiosity go for it! Don't let old, counterproductive ways of thinking stop you. You regret the things you haven't done more than the things you have.

But do be prudent and reasonable, and be safe!