I am out! I am 40m and married, so I don't plan on this impacting anything other than how I identify. I had such a fear of being (or being seen as) gay that internalized homophobia was impacting my life in ways I didn't realize. I couldn't be a good ally since I was uncomfortable around queer topics and people. I always filtered the way I dressed, acted, what music I listened to, etc. behind "would a straight person do this?" I couldn't be completely open with my wife about my emotions. I didn't even realize I was doing this most of the time, it was just so normal for me, and it meant that my life was just filled with anxiety. It's not like I was prejudiced against queer people; I just didn't want to be labeled as one if there was still some chance that I might actually be straight.

I think my biggest issue has been that I legitimately didn't understand what bi meant until I allowed myself to really confront this part of me and I could use this subreddit and other sources to understand more. Bi-erasure had led me to fear that when I had male attractions, it might mean I was gay, making me question even my own emotions about women. I would stress, find my wife or some woman attractive, and then just forget the whole thing as anomaly and try not to think about it. I didn't know about the bi-cycle or that emotions might somehow feel different between genders. I didn't see examples of people who looked or lived like me, but didn't identify as straight. It was really surprising to discover that I might actually be "normal", at least in the sense that there are many others out there with a similar experience. So, coming out, for me, is not just about fixing myself and dropping my fears, but also about being a visible example for an orientation that can so easily be hidden.

This has been super scary and surreal, but also amazing. I feel like I went my entire life wearing sunglasses and just got to take them off and see the world in all of its vibrance for the first time. I can appreciate seeing people, of which so many are beautiful and attractive to me, without feeling any shame or fear. I can talk openly with my wife, express my preferences without fear, and just... be me.

Also, lemon bars are my favorite.