Hi everyone. I need some advice. Sorry in advance for the long post.

I'm a dutch guy 27 years old. Me and my girlfriend (26) are together for four years. Everyone knows I'm straight but I think I might be bisexual. But I don't care what I am, I am totally fine with myself. But the thing is, I get super horny for cocks from time to time and I don't know if I should act on it.

Since I was about 17 years old I discovered that I get super horny by watching blowjob porn, more horny than other watching other types of porn. I think I have an oral fixation thing idk. This grew to me not only getting the hots for imagining getting sucked but also sucking dick. One thing let to another and I was imagining me being dominated by guys. The thought of being dominated and consensually forced to suck dick made me crazy. With girls I don't like to be submissive, the thought of it doesn't hit the same spot. The desire to suck cock grew over the years, I also developed an cum fetish and even bought a dildo to fuck my own ass.

The thing is that ever since I was 17 I wanted to try this with a guy but I always were to scared or nervous to actually arrange something. I did a lot of sexting on grindr like websites/apps and shared pictures there but never met with someone. Now being in a serious relationship with my gf I regret not doing anything with a guy before. I spoke with her about this one time and she said she might be okay with me experimenting with a guy. She is bisexual as well so in a way she knows what I'm dealing with. Its just hard for me to bring this up again. But there is another "problem"...

When I get horny, I don't necessarily am attracted to men but just their dick. I rarely find the guy okay-ish, no offence. I'm also not interested in kissing a man. But the biggest problem is that 50% of the time when I orgasm I get so repulsive of the idea of sucking a dick. Idk what it is. I'm very scared that if I go through with this I'm going to hate myself when I orgasm. Yet, every now and then I get crazy horny for dick and suck my dildo imagining going through with it.

Anyone know what I should do?

TLDR: Want to experiment with giving guys oral but have a gf and I'm scared I only like the thought of it and will hate myself afterwards and make things complicated with my gf.