Hi 👋 I'm posting this for any advice, help or external point of view I can get. Sorry if that's a bit long!

Since I'm 15/16(I would say), everytime I've watched porn, I would picture myself as the girl in it. I was also reading gay porn stories and always pictured myself as the submissive partner. I've never been into fucking a guy. I experimented anal with vegetables(no dildo available at the time) and kinda never stopped.

It's only later on(around 18) that I found about sissies and crossdressers(Back then I had a girlfriend I stayed with for 4 years). I started wearing panties when horny, occasionally fucking my ass with vegetables and one day I got too curious and went to suck a guy(and swallow) in a public toilet(while I was still in my hetero relationship).

We had a first break up with that girlfriend and the week after I arranged to suck another guy, in a small forest of my town. I was only supposed to suck him because I didn't want to get too far but after he fingered me, I was too horny and let him fuck me. It felt so good to have something else than a dildo in my ass. Again, I swallowed.

We eventually got back together with the same girlfriend and for work I had to move to the south of France for 3 months. During that time, I was masturbating a lot to sissy porn and wearing thongs at work. At some point I decided to go to a gay sauna, were a guy took me to a backroom and fucked me hard. He made me cum and I had a really good time. I felt guilty for my girlfriend and shameful about myself and didn't go there anymore.

3 months after, after another(and the very last) breakup, I arranged to suck a guy once again. I was scared, and drove to his apartment. At the door, I told him I came to apologize but I couldn't do it, it was only a fantasy... And he told me it was fine and to come in just for a drink, which I did. He was already in boxers when he opened the door and he dropped it after I got in. The sight of this cock made me drop to my knees instantly and I sucked him and swallowed again.

Then for a while, I was depressed for the breakup with my girlfriend and I only masturbated(a lot, and mainly with dildos) but didn't see anyone anymore.

Time passed and I moved to another city, I first was with a girl, we had sex a few times but it wasn't amazing. Then I was with another girl for 2 months and during that time I didn't even want to fuck her(although I loved her), even though I was fucking myself with my dildo in the shower when I had the chance. She dumped me, I got depressed.

After that, I was most of all playing with my dildos. I've been with a girl for a few weeks and she wanted to have sex, we did a few times but I was not that horny and never initiating things myself. I had a one night stand but I was high and not really hard. I had another one night stand were I only licked the girl for her to orgasm as I wasn't really into it either.

During that time, I kept fucking my dildos as I really get pleasure from anal, the more I trained.

One day I got very horny and I arranged to meet a guy at his place. I showed up with a plug in the ass and he lifted me on the table to lick me, then he fucked me really good on the couch. To this day, it was my best gay sex and I think about it sometimes. I loved to be bent over while he was stretching my ass, giving me a lot of pleasure and taking pleasure as well. The day after, I had a family dinner and I had a huge feeling of shame inside of me.

I never did anything with a guy since that time, although I kept fucking myself with dildos to this day. I still watched a lot of porn and I reduced that amount since I was really addicted(many hours, everyday) and I realized how bad it was and perhaps this is what was turning me to like this.

I'm now in a hetero relationship again, it's been 2 years and a half. For the first year, I didn't watch porn at all and everything was fine. After that, we had some arguments, I started to watch porn again(but not that frequently) and since then I've been fantasizing about men way more. I bought some dildos after purging a year before and I cummed so much while fucking them. I went on grindr a few times to chat with men but never cheated on my girlfriend(by having sex with a man) although there was a DILF with a huge cock I really wanted to meet..

My girlfriend asked me if I was bi or anything and it's something I would be repressing because of shame to my family and friends, since I've never really been the kind of horny man who always want to fuck her(it happens occasionally, not more than once a week or every two/three weeks and I don't know if it's normal) and when she teases me sometimes I'm just not into it. I told her that I might be yes, but didn't admit all the things I did in the past(for a while it was all part of the sissy fantasy but now I'm not entirely sure it was just that).

Now I've purged again, I don't own any dildo and I wasn't looking at porn for the past 2 months to make things better in my relationship. I love my girlfriend(although we have arguments at least once a week) . Since a week, I'm more and more looking at pictures of men, edging to their pictures of cocks, abds, muscles... (no real porn videos or sissy captions though). Sometimes when I'm in bed and my girlfriend puts her warm hand on my ass, I imagine it's a big manly hand gropping me instead. I wonder how it would be to have a boyfriend sometimes, not only someone who fucks me, but someone who cuddles me in bed as well... I don't know if that still all part of a fantasy and breaking up for that would only lead to me fantasizing without doing anything again, or only for sex. It's kind of a mess in my head and I have no idea what I am(or am too scared to admit it) nor what to do.

Any comment, reaction, help, advice(etc) on it would be reeeeeally helpful to me.

Thank you for those who have read 😊