hi all. I haven't been having the best go of it recently. my mental is garbage, my libido is gone, and my intrusive thoughts are at an all time high. rn they're sorta calm but. I still dont feel right. nauseous ig

I have a history of anxiety and depression and what im suspecting is ocd. im also on nexplanon, hence the tanked libido.

ive identified as bi since I was like.. 13? I had a crush on a female friend at the time and thats how I figured it out. and I had a boyfriend after that dint work out. he and I broke up. he wasn't the best to me, bare minimum type thing. it always felt, I want super open but to those I cared about I was, idk its not my defining feature.

I am 19 now, almost 20. I have been in a relationship with my bf for 11 months now and up until I got my birth control in, everything felt great, even when I was in panic mode. I should mention now, my bf is muslim, I am not. he knows im bi, again not smthn I talk about. I swear it's not an internalized biphobia thing it's just never a topic of conversation. back to the story. one day I saw comphet pop up and I sorta panicked and googled it, related to some things, cuz I do like women, but I also like men so some things didn't hit on the head. it started some obsessive googling and when I couldn't get aroused due to stress cuz I thought I was a lesbian and it scared me, that lack of arousal spiralled me deeper. it didn't help that my friend broke up with her bf and it triggered in me more panic to make Sure my bf and I didn't break up, but also my brain thought "lol what if your bf is a placeholder and you like her?" I haven't in like 3 years. I dont see her often but when I do, it's just friendly. it's never this yearning or anything. that panic is coming back again recently. anyways

the evidence of me being bi is: I love being romantic with my bf, and I love being sexual with him. but recently, both are so incredibly difficult cuz im just. not there mentally. before, I was so engaged in sex, and romance and planning a future with him felt exciting. I couldn't picture a wedding which worries me but maybe it's the cultural aspect. and the thought of calling him my husband made me excited. I haven't looked at other men, or women honestly but now with the increase of intrusive thoughts im checking if I was aroused by one of my female friends, do I have a crush on her? why dont I feel anything for him right now? why can't I see a future with him? ive referred to him as maybe being the one in passing but that thought doesn't come up often anymore, idk it makes me nervous? everything does now. id be happy to spend my life with him but its not this overly excited feeling, before this, it likely would've been excited. idk if its cuz im just a really anxious person, which is what my mom says lol. or if its cuz I dont love him

if we were to break up, idk if I would date another man at this point in time cuz I dont see much in other men. women its a little weird. it could be an intrusive feeling/false attraction thing even tho I do like women, idk if that makes sense. its just fear that I dont like men at all and would have to leave my bf. yay ocd

im happy when im with him, anxious but happy, im anxious cuz im analyzing. when im not panicking it feels like im home. im calm. and I dont think about anything or anyone else. I could tell him I love him and feel warm. but now none of that exists. I know the butterflies eventually stop. do they also stop with sex? cuz sex still feels great when im not panicked but it feels less intense than when we first started dating. when we first started dating everything was sparks. now it still feels warm but Im worried I only see him as a friend? like things feel routine. im worried I dont think about him enough or dont look at/love the flowers he got me enough. I look at them all the time. I love them. it wasn't a super exciting thing tho, it was "honeyyy thank you so much I love them" and I felt giddy. then I analyzed. idk ig im worried I dont love him/men enough cuz im not excited all the time? like I said thinking about the future feels nice but im not all excited. which is.. confusing? idk if that made any sense. I am nervous cuz the thought of child rearing in the future is a little scary cuz I dont wanna be a short tempered rude mother and also I dont wanna pass my shit down to some kid, but I do want kids one day. way. way down the road

someone I spoke to said its likely my birth control messing with my libido and desire which I do agree with. im debating getting it out cuz even my bf says it seems like im in the luteal phase constantly. I can get aroused and it feels great, I love looking at him naked and touching him. sorry tmi. but you get it. but I worry im only doing it for validation? once we start moving towards actual sex we have to stop cuz I start getting super anxious cuz my brain is throwing thoughts and images at me. thoughts I dont want that make me uncomfortable. sex has always been fun, and consensual and comfortable. im worried its only cuz I find him attractive not cuz I wanna be intimate with him. I do kinda prefer being the submissive one but I also just enjoy giving him pleasure which for some reason lesbians have said? idk it made me panic a bit. he was a bit awkward with oral before but he's improved and it feels great, his hands, not so much. but I dont feel butterflies? it feels great and I feel close to him and always do, except for lately, since September lately on and off it has been either meh, great, or not even started. in august when I lost my v-card it felt great and I couldn't stop thinking about it. our first 2 sexual encounters (first oral, and then our first attempt at sex before fully losing our v cards, I didn't count it unless he finished lol) left me feeling weird, the first cuz it was my first letting anyone see me naked and I was a bit insecure about my .. area? the second was cuz I was overanalyzing if I enjoyed it, and I felt guilt ig, but the more we got to doing it the more normal it felt and it was fun. im also one to close my eyes during sex which makes me worry im a lesbian for some reason? I know im not the only woman who closes her eyes during sex lol queer or otherwise.

idk if its the mourning the potential of never being with a woman cuz I wanna marry my bf, I have dated women, but never had sex. they were nice, it didn't feel any more or less passionate, maybe my one situationship, the one that made me realize I was bi. but I remember that same passion at the beginning for my bf. I wrote him poetry, always thinking about the next time we'd go out, calling him honey, or meu amor (my love in Portuguese, my family is Brazilian) it made me giddy, its awkward to hear him say it cuz he mispronounces but its super cute at the same time and he gets all smiley. I wanna run my hands through his hair and kiss his chest and shower with him. I love my bf a lot, I think, idk I think the depression and ocd makes it hard to see. even if I do like women more, it doesn't dismiss the fact that I also like my bf. I never thought about women before this and when it clears up, I never think about them. even if I only like him and a handful of men on the planet, im still bi. ive never considered myself to have a split, ive dated/ crushed on more men cuz they just happened to appeal to me.idk im so scared im just in denial of being a lesbian and im just gonna hurt him in 10 years time cuz I can't picture an exact future with him but little bits of my day where I feel somewhat ok I can picture a random scenario. him and I on a couch in an apartment, dim lights cuz he gets a headache from overhead lights, a movie on and we're cuddling, it feels nice. but it doesn't bring a warm feeling in my chest or stomach. it feels nice but I worry its me just seeing him as a friend. which I dont. I dont cuddle with or think about running my hands through my female friends' hair cuz.. idk? anything beyond hugs is reserved for my partner and my partner only. I dont cuddle with my friends even tho I adore them. I poke at them randomly but like at their feet or arms, anywhere else feels too intimate to me. even before all this panic that was my thing.

I know I didn't mention liking women that much, its kinda cuz I dont have much experience with liking women besides the situationship and a month long relationship where I absolutely dodged a bullet (she had some mental health stuff that was nt dealt with) as gorgeous and as cool as she was. idk if im just bi cycling. im worried that if my hormones change in the future cuz of kids/menopause ill just be a lesbian which worries me a lot cuz if I have a life with him, I dont wanna leave him randomly, which is kinda why im here trying to figure it out

the thought of breaking up with him started out so intrusive and ugly and made me wanna throw up and I spent hours crying. I still do but it feels more like smthn I wanna do even tho I dont. idk if its cuz I actually love him and im too numb to feel it or if its cuz I dont wanna hurt his feelings? but at the same time the thought of both things doesn't cause the intense anxiety associated with ocd, clearly I feel smthn akin to anxiety cuz im here. and I keep tearing up a little. im so confused and numb and idk what's me or what's comphet or what's mental illness/my birth control fucking me up a lot. all this anxiety makes me nauseous.