I've always been physically attracted to both genders, but I seem to go through phases where I'm more drawn to one than the other. For example, I'll spend some time focusing on men and then switch to women. The truth is, l've struggled to find lasting connections with either. I'm not very confident around women, and while I do get more attention from men, it doesn't always lead to something serious. A big part of this might be that I rarely leave my house or engage socially. On dating apps, the women I match with often aren't my type, and I really dislike the talking stage if it doesn't lead to meeting up.

With men, I've been discreet about my interest (still DL) and have had a mix of casual hookups and longer situationships, but nothing ever evolves into something meaningful. That leads me to my current dilemma, which is about sex.

When it comes to men, I enjoy the attention and am attracted to fit, gym-focused guys (possibly a projection of my own aspirations). However, despite meeting over 50 men, l've only climaxed once during sex and a few times during oral. Over the last 5 years I’ve been with men. This happens even with men I'm deeply attracted to and have a strong connection with. where just being around them turns me on. But I can go for rounds and often long rounds and not nut at all. I’ve come to terms with getting away with the other person being pleased.

With women, it's the opposite. I get turned on quickly and it’s not as easy with men to keep going for long, id even say I nut quicker. It's almost like l'm wired differently for the two experiences.

This has me questioning whether I'm truly as into men as I think, or if I'm simply feeding my insecurities. I enjoy the attention, admire their physiques (perhaps as a reflection of what I wish I had), and like how straightforward and transactional interactions with men can be. In contrast, getting to the same point with women takes much more effort. I could easily hook up with several men in a short time, but convincing a sober woman to sleep with me feels like a much bigger hurdle. I also hate the small talk and the need to pretend I'm looking for more than just casual sex when that's often all I want.

Just to put it out there, I’m not looking for a relationship because I wouldn’t be able to fully give myself to the person.