hey guys. a little backstory about me, i’m 19m, and kinda been picked on for being “gay” from middle school onwards. i played baseball, and this resulted in me sometimes (tho probably in my head) being uncomfortable with guys while also trying to get their validation. now, in recent years, like senior year of high school and now im a sophomore in college, i had a little glow up and im attractive if i say so myself (i model a little lol). thought last year i had my first experience with a woman and am definitley into girls, i always felt a little intrigued by guys. because of this, i would find myself on grindr a bit here and there and talked to some guys my age around my area. for a brief moment of time, i was convinced i was bi because of some fantasies - more inspired by porn in hindsight. and idk, i felt like an imposter being straight partly bc i wasn’t comfortable in my masculinity- for the fear of being judged maybe. anyways, i never confirmed being bi because i juggled with the thought of it being validation i was seeking, as i have never felt romantic attraction or even sexual attraction to men in person. i do find men attractive at my gym- but it’s honestly probably me wanting to be them.

anyways, i met a guy last night. he was my age and we talked here and there for a couple weeks. we started kissing and it wasn’t that bad, but at some point i was just wanting it to be over. he gave me head, which was alright, but wasn’t completely like shit i love this. anyways, he tried to fuck where i told him i wasn’t comfortable going there (bless him honestly) and i gave him head. here, i was honestly kinda curious,, but the moment i did it it lasted deadass 3 seconds and i told him ya no. he left and it was fine, but damn, im straight.

i kinda regret it lowk bc like, thinking about it makes me want to throw up i hated it that much and he kept wanting to kiss and i hated it 😭 however , idk the fantasy is still intriguing ? idek lol lmk yall thoughts and pls be nice.

no im not in denial or internalized homophobia i genuinely was a little disgusted and revolted