I think that in all the time I spent questioning my sexuality when I was 12 (16 now) I didn’t have the same knowledge as I do now. I thought that I was attracted to women back then as a projection of my own insecurity and I feel the same way now. Take Clairo for example, she is my favorite singer, and I think she is gorgeous, but the attraction I feel towards her isn’t romantic, I just wish that I looked like her, or, was her. I could picture myself with a man or a woman, but when it’s a man, I know I could appreciate him for who he is without being unhealthily obsessed with his appearance or personality in the sense that I would try all I could to be just like him. I think of Clairo first because I think she’s whimsical and alluring, traits that I could never pull off! I’ve had her music posters, along with Devon Aoki and Rihanna’s magazine covers plastered on my wall for a while. I just appreciated their beauty for a while after I stopped questioning my sexuality. But now when I see them it feels like I objectify them down to images of these beautiful women I can’t appreciate without being jealous of. It’s hard to deduce what I was feeling at 12 because at the time I had a complicated relationship with how I viewed men. I think that back, then my questioning was from a place of fear of men ( lol from my sister’s boyfriends not my wonderful father! ) and also attraction towards what I wanted to be. Striving towards something unrealistic. I never had a crush on any of the girls around me that im close with you know? Like my close friends or the girls on the cheer team, and don’t get me wrong we’re all pretty, but I would feel wrong and guilty if i said that I think im bisexual when I have an attraction towards women in this, borderline unhealthy, way and not to the lovely, non-famous-supermodel women around me.

(also I think that your sexuality is something that you are born with and unfortunately I don’t think i was born a diva loool ) (also, also I voice typed most of this so if it reads weird that’s why)