(Probably more of a vent)

I'm in my third relationship with a guy and I keep asking myself why nothing with them feels like what being with my ex-girlfriend felt. Of course, rationally, I know it's bc she was my first love, my longest relationship, a teenage romance and something that happened before antidepressants made me apathetic for a couple of years. I love my boyfriend, I literally tried not to date him bc I felt that another relationship with a man wouldn't satisfy me, but I truly loved him, being with him makes me happy, so I decided to try again.

But when we kiss or get sexual, it feels weird, numb. It's been like that with all of them. Sometimes it's okay, and I fantasize abt it a lot, to the point I can't deny it's something I truly desire. I don't understand why this even happens.

I never dated another girl, didn't find one to be with. I wish I did, just to be sure if I'm just not that into men or if it was because my ex was just really special, but now that I'm dating again that's not rlly an option. I feel bad abt all of this.

Those feelings and questions will go away soon to return again in a few weeks, they always do. I wish this would just stop already.