I'm not trying to be offensive or anything. I'm just sad and venting and struggling with accepting this again. I'm angry that I keep coming back questioning my sexuality after every traumatic event I experience. I am in therapy but I am taking a break because its exhausting. But anyway, here goes:

I came out as bisexual when I was in the 7th grade. I am 25(F) now, and have increasingly avoided men for a long time. I always naturally gravitated toward women regardless, even as a child.

But I have actively avoided this area of attraction for years. Maybe it's because I get manic and hypersexual. Maybe it's because my dad instilled in me that men=bad things happening to me. Maybe it's because my family taught me that exploring all genders in this way meant I was inherently one or the other, and just being picky.

I have no idea. My first love with another girl was in the 7th grade and I came out because if her. It didn't go well. My older sister had come out as a lesbian the year before and ended up moving out at 15. I stayed and my dad sabotaged my relationship, then pulled me out of school and moved me across the state and took away all forms of communication with the girl I loved. This girl was the reason I understood why people got married at all. I wanted so much with her.

It took me seven years to get over her. I never actually got closure for that.

The last boy I liked came before her. I liked a few guys in high school but not like this guy. He turned the entire sixth grade against me and convinced them I was crazy to think he'd like me. And then ultimately after his friends stole my diary and posted pictures on social media, he admitted he did like me and had been too scared to admit it. He also catfished me as his sister to get to know me better.

All the men I ever experienced in my life were not good people. They were abusive and mean and I could not see why anyone wanted to marry one. Even in highschool, I had this experience.

I don't completely even know if I'll always like men. I really don't. I struggle with it even now. It's almost purely physical attraction. But I don't even know how much of that is because of my trauma.

I've just been crying over this for eight months. I don't think I ever healed from anything that happened to me in those years, and now I can't actually tell what I want.

All I know is I am tired. I am tired because a decade of liking women has proved harder and more exhausting than the entire childhood I had of watching the men in my life mistreat all the women I loved.

I want to give up on the possibility of something with women and just accept I also have the possibility of loving a man and having a fulfilling relationship with one. I can't tell if I even like women anymore.

This year has brought me so much heartache. And I just want some support literally anywhere from anyone. I'm so sad and I've been crying for weeks over not knowing anything or having any control over how often I get hurt.

I honestly just kept hoping one day I would have a girlfriend and it would all be okay. Like obviously it wouldn't fix anything. But I also didn't think I'd experience so goddamn much trauma in the process. It makes me wonder if I even liked any of the girls I dated because they were all awful to me.

Idk anymore. But the specific tag for the bi-cycle makes me laugh every time, so at least there's that.