hello fellow bis

I am 19F, have been in a relationship with a man for just over 9 months now and up until June it was the best thing I have ever experienced

in June I think I started experiencing soocd and rocd cuz things were getting serious, and now I think its just turned into normal questioning if I am in fact bi and just in an anxious episode cuz ive never been in a long term relationship like this (an interfaith one, he is muslim, so we have had talks of marriage and kids and the like and maybe its just fear arising from my past, my parents are divorced and my dad is an ass so im worried that something like that will happen to me and im scared of feeling trapped? even though that was never a fear before) or if my situation is just comphet and ive been wrong this entire time and im gonna break his heart. I know the bi cycle exists and it could just be that

also I should mention, I am on nexplanon, I fear it has destroyed my libido, im barely up for any form of intimacy beyond cuddling lately and if I do experience any arousal im suddenly worried im not wet enough or im not attracted enough which could be an rocd thing. this was never an issue early in the relationship, I could literally see him lift his shirt and I was feeling up for it. I dont think it was a thing of me chasing his desire and then getting bored (which a lot of lesbians experience it seems). I was always ready to go and horny for him cuz he is an attractive man. maybe I did hold the "keep him happy" mentality with sex for a while but that changed a few months in. lately my thoughts involve women, and before this distressed me a lot, it still does distress me a little but at the same time a relationship with a woman would feel nice. ive never kissed or made out with a woman, had a situation ship in high school that wrecked me tbh and a few crushes (both real and for attention cuz I dont think I felt bi enough cuz I only dated men) that I enjoyed but never made more of. my boyfriend is my first sexual experience, we started with just making out and vibrator related intimacy cuz we were both so scared about losing our virginities lol, which I think is normal. I was never repulsed by his penis, I quite like it, it's not the prettiest thing sure lmao but I do still like the feeling of it in my mouth and inside me(sorry tmi).

I felt a strong emotional connection to him early on and now it feels like it's gone and doesn't exist and it's bugging me less and less. but still bugs me quite a bit. maybe I do have some aspects of comphet in me cuz I know it doesn't just effect lesbians. suddenly im so worried im just a lesbian and its caused me to go into panic attacks. im worried ill regret being with a man the way my mother did. or that I'll lose my arousal around him in the future.

my therapist and I are gonna dive into my childhood trauma to see what's there and if it is comphet or if I am attracted to men and if I am attracted to men, why the hell am I not feeling anything. it feels like I feel nothing and I feel so guilty. all this numbness started over the weekend. and I feel horrible cuz he is a sweet guy and idk what to do. he's not in it for the sex and never pushes which I appreciate. the more I read about lesbians coming out later the less I feel about him and that scares the fuck out of me and I just keep panicking and googling and posting here. I could've sworn it was soocd in the beginning but people have said that thinking that got in the way of figuring themselves out.

idk what my question is, I guess - do you miss being with women? and if you were with a woman would you miss being with a man? cuz thats also a question ive seen lesbians ask and idk how to answer. at the beginning I was fully willing to marry this man and live with him and it felt exciting. now I just feel sad idk if the sadness comes from the anxiety of potentially losing that future or if it comes from the fact I dont like him. I pictured living with him and it felt good. sex with him was always fun and kinky. but now idk what im feeling. if its just panic around the fear of getting divorced in the future or fear of marrying a man cuz I dont actually like men. ive had genuine relationships with them in the past, my exes sucked, but they were real. I know even if I do end this it doesn't erase what I felt cuz it is/was real I just may have had a change in preference. maybe im partially worried that ill regret marrying him without experimenting, like I said, I only had online situationships/crushes. is this just a case of the bi-cycle getting me because of my anxiety and uncertainty of how my future will look or if its comphet. if anyone wants anymore context or information or have questions to ask m to help me out, please ask them cuz I am so scared. I am so confused. I need a hug. it's so hard to focus on school and extracurriculars with this on my mind. maybe a relationship with a woman would be more passionate, but this has been passionate with him. ive never felt this level of love or dedication from anyone and I love him dearly but what if its all been a farce of comphet. when I pictured my dream life as a little girl maybe I pictured marrying a Prince Charming as all girls think about, but once I figured out I was bi, I just thought "ah if it happens with a man/a woman and Im happy and healthy, were good" I just happened to date men a lot.

just jot notes on my internal debate

- his compliments and nicknames for me have lost their effectiveness, they're just a nice thing to hear. dirty talk used to have more effect on me than it does now

- getting horny now requires me to be touched and the like, when before it was just seeing him.

- even when I was anxiously panicking about my sexuality I was still horny around him and I can't tell if tha was a comphet keep him happy thing or if I was genuinely aroused. I think I was.

- that anxiety used to pass and if something big happened it came back.

- I was always a tomboy growing up, used to dress masculine, still do on occasion for funsies

- sometimes I prefer solo female porn rather than male and female. I'm not a huge fan of seeing penises in porn unless it's in the woman/shes sucking on it. idk if thats a "I want to be her" thing or a "I want to be doing that to her" thing

- guilt/anxiety after the first time giving and receiving oral (I hadn't even shaved down there so maybe insecurity)at our fist sleepover cuz neither of us could sleep. he didn't get hard so it was awkward. after subsequent make out sessions the anxiety went away and it was all fun and kinky from there. same thing happened with sex. the first time we did it I was kinda fetal position on the end of the bed and he put it in (unprotected) and it felt nice. since I was in an I think ocd episode it was "did I enjoy that? did it hurt (maybe a tad but it felt so fucking good) why am I feeling this anxiety?' but a couple days after when we did it again I had no thoughts or anxiety and it was doggy style and felt great. sex still does feel great and we do it if im up for it which is rare lately (thanks depression and nxplanon) but my brain does overthink if Im wet enough or if im enjoying it or if im forcing myself. im not good with eye contact so blindfolds or psitiions where out eyes are closed/not facing each other are better for me

- idk if im feeling enough when I give and receive oral. I enjoy both but giving doesn't turn me on much, receiving sometimes feels weird depending on the position and my mood

- I always thought high school sweethearts was the ultimate fantasy tbh, and I never wanted to go to prom alone. so I bought my now ex bf (trans man, sweet guy but love bombed me and dumped me after my prom.). maybe I was so conditioned by seeing teen romance movies that I wanted to be in a high school sweetheart relationship. tbh idk if I cared who it was as long as I got it, but I tended to go for boys (hell I chased my first ever high school bf for months after we broke up to see if we could get back together cuz I did still sorta like him and I was a bit nervous about being alone.

- maybe some internalized biphobia cuz I had "crushes" on girls to prove hey im bi

- had crushes on some guys because they gave me attention, but this also did happen with a couple girls. with my current bf, it was a friendship at first and we hit it off immediately. I had the fattest crush on him the second we met and as we got to know each other it got deeper

- I guess with the interfaith bit this does get complicated cuz I do feel some responsibility to be a good gf/wife to impress his family, and make him happy but I know he doesn't expect the traditional wife thing. and I feel sometimes I do kinda have to stay (this was super early on cuz I felt I needed to prove a point). and maybe the guilt and anxiety around sex comes from me ig, demoralizing him? cuz he is a good man and the last thing I wanna do is make him lose his morals and religion cuz of me. fear of not being a good person ig

- saying I love you has also lost its tang, and so has kissing lately. saying I love you I also felt a tingle in my area

- crushes on both male and female feel pretty much the same I think, maybe the ones I had on girls in high school were more intense cuz it was my first time ever experiencing it. hearing she by dodie hurt every time after that ended lol. hearing certain songs my bf recommended me make me feel good and warm inside.

- idk if I feel that warm fuzzy feeling lately, for the same reason as the I love you thing, same goes for holding hands

- idk if ive been secretly envying lesbians, I follow quite a few, both muslim and non religious cuz idk they make me happy to see.

- I've always loved queer content, Yuri on ice started it for me lol. good omens has been my current fixation

- I feel less anxious lately about all my thoughts, they dont feel as intrusive and idk if its cuz I do actually want them and I am just in denial or if it's just an intrusive thought. cuz lately its just there, some hypothetical situations in my brain of holding hands with a woman do feel nice to me but so does holding hands with my boyfriend

- ive had this irrational fear that I chocked up to an ocd thing that im gonna meet a woman who is gonna make me lose all attraction to men

- I have read the lesbian masterdoc and it has not helped too much

- I've never gotten hot and flustered seeing an attractive man do things. maybe my bf in the beginning when he'd be super concentrated, now seeing him concentrated just makes me giggle cuz he's cute. I think im demisexual in some capacity cuz I didn't start having sexual feelings for him until we confirmed out relationship and slowly started getting more comfortable with kissing

- I never planned a future with him before we started dating, it only slowly started happening as we started talking about living together, or having kids (muslims aren't meant to date so it was an early on conversation)

- it feels like in my head ive accepted the relationship is just over but I dont want that right now until I figure this shit out but it feels kinda dishonest.

- now that sex is in the picture I worry about being used transactionally. im worried im not enthusiastic enough and im scared it'll become repulsive

- fear (could be rocd) that im staying for comfort and safety and not love

I think thats all for now

please do not outright suggest breaking up. I need time to figure out my brain and what in my past is suddenly causing me to feel numb. if anyone has any advice or if anything stands out, let me know. thank you.