I'm a 39 year old male, and think I never really struggled with understanding my sexuality until recently. It's now causing me pain and anxiety, so I thought this might be a safe place to talk about it, because I struggle to be honest regarding it. Here's my thing;I've always been attracted to women, from actually a very young age. I was also highly sexual, masturbating from as early as I can remember. Towards the end of high school, I became very inward, and something in me made start avoiding all intimacy; I became basically suspicious and fearful of all people, and was filled with a vague sense of shame. I was nice looking, and horny, but somehow my innate impulses led me away from all contact. This feeling only got worse over time- I basically unraveled from some mental health thing. In college, which I eventually failed out, I became aware that I had some attraction to men( but only certain men, and the feeling was strongest when I smoked marijuana. Weed makes me feel anxious, but I also literally begin to feel female while high: i dissocciate and imagine myself as being a woman, often women I know). I was messed up mentally at that point in time, but didn't really feel any big conflict about my sexuality- I understood myself as a man mainly attracted to women, but also attracted to certain men; I imagined myself as sexually fluid, in a classical Greco-Roman sense- open to love for both women and men, because my heart didn't feel bound by societal prudishness- the human body is beautiful in all its forms. I never had any interest in long term relationships with men- I only had a few long term girlfriends, and while with my girlfriends, I periodically would have some light man on man action- kissing at a bar, allowing other men to fellate me, and getting them off with my hand. I believe I never wanted penetrative sex with a man, as the giver or receiver: it just feels like something I've never wanted, and is some kind of line in my head: it's something I haven't done by choice( it happened extremely briefly twice, against my will- only a moment of penetration). As I grew older, i became a heavyier drinker, and started using crack cocaine. Most of the time, it felt like my male on male sexual interactions were initiated by the other party(not always, but mostly)- it felt like I was passively allowing other male drug addicts to do what they wanted out of low self esteem, my own dissociative drug state, but also my desperate desire for any kind of intimacy. It's also like I had less fear and hangups about homosexual behavior, because I didn't care what the dude thought, having no real "romantic" interest- more like it's just sex, and a warm body. Actually, previous to that, I had a period of hypersexuality with women, where I was fearless and really active, "hooking up" all the time,while also spending a lot of time at strip clubs. I guess this made me feel "confident", but it was very manic, and basically all the sex I had, I had to be intoxicated for; otherwise I was too self-conscious.Females caused me fear and anxiety in sexuality, because I wanted them so much and feared how I'd feel if I was rejected or if my anxiety was seen. But having been repressed in my teens, my 20's felt like a sexual explosion. But it was all a desperate drive to stay ahead of heavy feeling of inadequacy. My addictions became so severe, that I also became pretty repellent to all women, or non-homeless men. Fast forward, and I basically stopped trying for any sort of intimacy. I don't remember a lot of specifics, but I had a lot of terrible homosexual experiences while doing drugs, and was increasingly unable to enjoy heterosexual intimacy too. It's like my sexuality turned off- exept that I'm still extremely horny, and masturbate all the time, but fear actual human sex, and instinctively turn away from opportunities, even one's I really want. The chronic masturbating is embarrassing, but it's like my only outlet, so I just do it, and feel shame that people can probably hear it and are totally creeped out. I feel like I have no desire for sexual activity with men, and thought of it causes shame, and my desire for women now causes intense anxiety too- I'm gravitating towards porn because it's safe. In my past couple sexual encounters with women, who I was really sexually attracted to, I begin super excited, and midway through am overcome by shame and fear, and feel like a wooden man pretending to be human. I experience it as really distressing, and feel like I could cry and want to run away when my dick stops working. It's a feeling of total emotional devastation; I know it's overblown, but that's how I experience it. I then worry, "Am I closeted? Am I pretending to like women?", and now have this anxiety that I'm gay and hiding it from myself and the world. But I don't believe that's the case:when I'm with men I usually need some heterosexual porn to get myself aroused. I haven't had "sex" (received fellatio) from a man for several years, because i need to think about a woman to enjoy it. I also just "decided" I didn't want to do that anymore, because I wanted a wife and kids, and drug influenced "sex" with males caused me shame, and made that long term goal less likley. So, help me see more clearly. Am I lying to myself? Am I closeted and can't deal? Do I refuse to accept my bisexuality? Am I now asexual? Or is my sexuality so loaded up with shame and fear that it's ruining my life and causing me to avoid it all together, with either gender?(this is what I think the correct answer is- but I dont know how to fix it). I've changed pysch meds also and worry this is effecting me, and making me different from how I was(although my sexuality was already disappearing, and I could only access it while fucked up). I thought I totally accepted my fluid sexuality in my 20's, but now any intimacy fills me with shame and self-doubt, like I'm hiding something. I think my years of alcohol and crack influenced male sex has left a really traumatic mark on me, but I dont know how to chill out about it, because intellectualy I know it's just stuff. I'm mostly attracted to women, but sometimes to men, and that's totally cool, and nothing to be ashamed of. Can anyone relate? Or tell me how work through my sexual hang-ups so I can enjoy sex again and have a fulfilling long term relationship?