Sometimes I feel confused about my orientation. I’ve also had crushes on girls several times, when I was 16-19. There was one girl I’m sure I truly loved. However, every single one of them rejected me, including boys.

Things changed when I turned 19. Now I’m 21, and I’ve had two boyfriends. I think I really loved one of them, but neither of them treated me well. Looking back, I often wonder what happened to my attraction to women. I used to be so sure I was drawn to women in every way. Now, I can only imagine spending the rest of my life with a man. When I think about intimacy and having children, it’s always with a man.

At the same time, being non-binary complicates things for me. I worry about being perceived as a cis hetero woman, which makes me uncomfortable. Deep down, I still dream that one day a woman will steal my heart again, like the girl I loved. But I wonder if that’s even possible when I keep focusing on men.

It frustrates me that I have a crush on almost every man who does something nice for me. I wish I could feel a serious interest in women more often, but I just can’t seem to. I keep thinking about her and miss the way she made me feel. She was so special, and I’m afraid I won’t find anyone like her again. I was so sure of my feelings for her, and I miss that.

Right now, the only thing I’m confident about is my attraction to men. But even that confuses me sometimes. I can’t always tell if I genuinely like someone as a friend or if it’s a crush. Recently, I had a brief crush on a girl, but she wasn’t interested, and my feelings faded quickly.

I feel lost and unsure about my orientation; it’s so confusing, and I no longer know what my real feelings are.

Have any of you been in a similar situation? How did you make sense of it all? I’d love to hear your thoughts.