For context, I was straight my entire childhood but during early adulthood I started growing male attraction. I even had an online relationship with a guy online, but he ghosted me after a half year, I got heartbroken and it led to me denying my bisexuality since I never met him in real life, and when I met my wife and he came back crawling on his knees I broke up with him right then and there, and at first, tried to friend zone him but later blocked him without explanation under my now wife's demand.

He tried to pursue me multiple times during my marriage with my wife by creating new accounts, and I kept ignoring him, until this year when I was in my most vunerable moment with a hoast of psychological problems.

I had just saved our family from a severe poverty chrisis in the Philippines and was back in Sweden for renewing my passport and finding a 9-5 job that makes way more money than the low-paid online jobs I survived on while there. I also tried to begin therapy for my light burnout and anxiety. That's when he wrote me again, and that's when I could no longer ignore him. I replied to him and after a long call catching up to each other's stories, all my feelings for him came back. It was 10 seconds of heavenly joy followed by an hour of shame and crying.

I kept writing to him hoping that I could make him stop loving me and get rid of my feelings for him by turning it into a normal platonic friendship, but several weeks in, I realized to my horror that it didn't work, and in fact our feelings for eachother got just stronger, despite me knowing full well that he has betrayed me before and is a douchebag of a person that I shouldn't want to have in my life even if I were single, which gave me the courage to block him again, once and for all, with a long message telling him to neve contact me again.

The following 2 months, my mental health took a turn for the worst. I started having more severe panic attacks, sleepless nights, chest pains, and many days where I couldn't even answer calls and messages from some of my best friends. Eventually I went to my wife and confessed everything, all the sexual fantasies I have had for years about men, about the recent interaction I have had with the guy. I begged for her mercy on me but was fully prepared to receive whatever hell I deserved.

At first she didn't took it very well, but after two days of it sinking in to her that I am bisexual, something I actually told in the beginning I may be but she didn't understand what bisexuality meant until now, she told me that she loves me even more now because for the first time I have made myself vunerable to her, and from then on, we had several weeks of deep communication where we discussed letting me explore my sexuality with other guys. The rules were simple and clear - no secrets, no hush hush, I had to report her everytime I hooked up with a man, before and after. And no Filipino. Those were her rules and I have no issue following them.

I came out to the rest of my family one by one - first to my sister, then my mom and later on my dad. My sister became a bit distant since then but expressed that she still accepts me, which is good enough I guess. My mom also accepted me, but was quite invalidating at first, not truly believing I'm bi since I didn't have male attraction in my childhood. Then it was my dads turn to hear my confession, and his reaction was the best probably.

"Yes son, I already know it because I saw the conversations on your phone when I came in and you were writing to her in tears, but I wanted to wait for you to bring it up because it is your life, your responsibility. I know you love your wife more than anyone else, but remember to think of them when you are in Stockholm working, and please, PLEASE, be careful of STDs."

The last sentence shocked me a bit. It's almost as if he either knew or just assumed that we opened up the marriage for me to explore my sexuality. I asked him before if he could hear our conversations from my bedroom, but he denied being able to hear anything. Now I am not so sure of that anymore, but I don't care either. My father gave me the reaction I needed to feel valid and not ashamed of my sexuality.

Now is my 2nd month in Stockholm and I had 4 hookups the first two weekends, and our marriage has taken a turn for the better. We used to talk only 2 hours a day, now we are chatting or talking every awaken hour. She apologized for the financial chrisis she caused while I was there by not following my instructions on bookkeeping when I invested in her businesses, but I had already forgiven her, and told her that's nothing compared to the horrendous things I have done. Our marriage is still open on my side, but my cravings for men has lowered alot and is now to the point where I don't think it's worth the effort to pursue hookups due to the messy nature of it. And best of all, we spend all days making dick jokes to each other and making eachother laugh at how messy I am of a person.

I am working now for a year or so to earn enough money to put into investments both there and for myself, and going back there November next year. I can't wait for that to happen. I miss her and my son so much and I am not sure if I will be able to keep my tears of joy in when I meet her at the airport, especially after all we have been through.