Ok so for context, I was straight my entire childhood and teenage years, but quite a lot of environmental factors, some of them caused by myself, triggered my fluidity to spiral out of control. This summer I came out to my wife as bisexual and she has luckily been the most supportive wife I can imagine, allowing me to explore my sexuality with other guys, wanting to watch me when I use sex toys in "the whole" and expressing will to peg me when I come back to her next year (I am currently in Sweden for work).

However, some times I can't help but to feel ashamed of myself for my sexuality, or rather, that I am not able to regulate it properly when I was younger.

Looking back to my life, I see a lot of things I did and entered that may have either turned me bisexual, or it may have triggered the little same-sex attraction that was there but microscopic and amplified it out of control:

• Experimenting with putting fingers and toys in my butt,

• 4 years of extreme porn addiction in high school,

• Do video fap with a guy online (the first time I did it, I did it out of his begging, didn't feel anything then, but then I fell in love with him and suddenly it turned me on). This was something that happened before I met my wife

• Clicked my way into the gay section of porn hub.

• Started fapping and coming to gay porn at large scale to "desensitize" my sexual attraction for males, just like it happened to me with watching too much female porn. Spoiler alert, it back fired and gave the opposite effect.

I feel so guilty of myself. Had I avoided these things, I don't know if I would have become bisexual anyway or if I would have kept being straight., but I would at least be able to keep it in control and live a happy straight marriage with a wife and kids.

How do you guys keep your fluidity in check. Ex. If you have a season where you are mostly gay but wants to be straight because you are in committed relationship to your wife or the opposite, that you have a season where you have more attraction to women but you are in relationship with a man. Do you stop using that wonderful butt toy or do you use it even more hoping to get decensitized from it?

I know my wife accept and love me for who I am regardless of my sexual orientation and our love are so deep now that it doesn't matter to our relationship if my dick works or not, but I remembered when I had sex with her and it was like heaven. I want to be able to enjoy those moments with her again when I am back, and how is that gonna work if my gay attractions become so severe that my dick won't even lift?