I'm going to try to make this as short as possible, but please bear with me and be gentle. I'm anxious, inexperienced at relationships, and I don't really have people I can turn to for advice about this. TIA for any and everything. Throwaway for obvious reasons.

Early this year I (middle aged bi female) started attending a community organization. One of the leaders is a woman my own age. She's smart, beautiful, and amazing at what she does. I am a haggard mother of three young kids. From the very beginning it seemed like she was being "extra" with me, but for the above reasons and because I have trouble trusting my own judgment I discounted it.

Yet things kept adding up. She touched me A LOT, she sought me out, she teased me playfully, she made a lot of eye contact, she arranged a couple of things for us to have more time together. She positively dotes on my kids so some of it I wrote off as being more about them than about me. The touching is really what got me. I'm not touched a lot, so it's very striking when I am. She also started pulling me into these tight hugs last minute. Literally grabbing and yanking me, as in once I lost my balance and stepped on her. Another time I was leaving with one of my children before she expected us to be and she dropped what she was doing and RAN (in heels) to grab me and pull me into a full frontal cheek to cheek hug.

I had assumed she was straight, I know her primary relationships have been with men, but we live in a liberal community so her being bi wasn't out of the question. I decided to make a plausibly deniable pass at her to see how she took it. I complimented her outfit on my way out the door one evening and she lit up. Her eyes dazzled like she had never been complimented before, and it sort of broke my heart because who isn't telling this amazing woman how beautiful she is? She was out with COVID after that so I didn't see her for a while to get more of a feel for how the pass had landed. When she came back and I saw her next, I leaned in as I was saying goodbye and asked if she was going to wear that particular outfit again. It took her a second, landed, her eyes went wide and then sparkled again and we both laughed.

I still wasn't sure and things continued with her usual behaviors. I had to attend a function with one of my kids that she led and she looked so hot in a little black dress. She did some low key flirty things at the event, and I tried to play it cool because I still couldn't get a definite read and if I was reading it wrong it could be very awkward. It's also difficult because we are always in a crowd at our community organization and my kids are often there. Next time we were together, I stopped her to talk. We had a class she was leading that afternoon so I asked her about that, then pulled her to me and whispered in her ear "Are you going to be wearing the little black dress from the other day?" and she lights up and laughs and grabs me back and says "Yessssss!"

From that point on, it was on. She came and sat by me. Later in the day she came to say hi to my kids, left, doubled back around and leaned in like she was going to talk to them again but reached over and rubbed my shoulder and giggled. During the class we were like two school girls, giggling and falling over ourselves to laugh at the others jokes or compliment the other one, etc. At one point I had to pass by her where no one else could see and I lightly ran my fingers over her lower back just above her butt. Things continued for about a month. We had to be discreet because again we are never not in a crowd, but we always made a point to do "wink wink nudge nudge" squeezes with a smile, hugs, or make a little joke here or there, and we both continue to be flirty like before.

After around a month has passed I'm kind of wondering what is going on between us. We are being discreet and things are easier to pass off since we are two women, but if someone noticed it would not be good for her job, and I'm also curious what if anything she is looking for because it feels like she has initiated this whole thing but hasn't discussed what exactly she is initiating with me. Also I have kids involved and they absolutely ADORE her (and likewise). I start feeling like there is good reason for us to have some privacy to discuss this, and I see an opportunity to bring this up to her one day when my kids and I are waiting with her for more people to show up to our group. We are at the back of the room and people are starting to trickle in. I pull her to me and whisper in her ear playfully "So are we ever going to talk about this or are we just going to circle each other until one of us dies?" She laughs and pulls away from me a bit and goes "About what?" I'm shocked to my core, both by her response and the fact that she's saying this out in the open instead of whispering back. I say "Well, you tell me." She goes "No, you tell me," and we both just kind of stand there looking at each other, stammering as more and more people come in around us. Finally she goes "You know what? Make an appointment with me and we can talk about...whatever this is you want to talk about." Again I'm just feeling like WTF? And the place is filling up and making a scene is the last thing I want so I just looked at her and said, neutrally, not in a nasty way, "You know, if you're going to play it off like this, then never mind," and went and sat down. To her credit, she was off the rest of the day, including almost falling flat on her face straight away in front of the whole room. As we were leaving she hugged my kids goodbye and I thanked her for helping them with something, but I had deliberately taken an extra step back to put some distance between us. She steps over to me and pulls me into a hug, I stiffened a bit and turned so that it was a side hug.

I didn't see her for almost a week, then I was scheduled to help her, one on one, with a big event. I'm devastated by this whole encounter, by her acting like she didn't know what I was talking about, then even more confused by the hug at the end! I'm thinking that at this event we might clarify things. She turns up and is friendly but clearly a little nervous and standoffish. I'm going for cordial but low key, however I have one of those faces that tells on me and after about an hour I realize 1) she's not going to address what happened 2) I'm probably coming across as downright stony and make an effort to talk and be more friendly. This definitely seems to put her at ease and we pass the rest of the day making conversation and being pleasant, but there's an underlying current and it's not at all fun and flirty like before.

I'm so heartbroken at this point. I like her so much, I love making her laugh, I love seeing her eyes shine, I love being around her, I love hearing her talk, she's smart and funny and interesting and compassionate, and I love that my kids love her and she loves them and she's so good with them. I can't cope with having fucked this up anymore, so I resolve to fix it when I see her the next day.

She comes over to say hi to me, because we are as always in a crowd, and I say hi but stop her and lean in and say "Listen, I'm sorry about last week," relief seems to wash over her face and she's immediately like "Oh no, no worries!" and pulls me into a tight hug. I'm relieved and I laugh and whisper in her ear "I'll just go back to brazenly flirting with you," and I give her butt a little squeeze, discreetly where no one can see. She says "Actually, no, but we can be friends," I'm like "No?" and she says no, because of her job title. I didn't see her again after that until it was time to leave, but again she hugs my kids then pulls me into a hug.

I'm SO confused. Obviously I shouldn't have asked to talk, but I don't feel like it was too out of left field and when that went badly I was still cordial and nice about things, then apologized. She's clearly putting up a boundary now, and I want to be respectful of course. At the same time it doesn't really feel like the end because she started this, she played the LONG game of subtly flirting in front of everyone in our organization for months until I realized what was going on, took it way past plausible deniability, and involved my kids, now just to cut and run? And keeps hugging me.

Is there no hope? What do I do? What even happened here?

Thank you for reading this novel!