Disclaimer: I am no a cheater, I will never cheat, this is simply out of the question.

The other day, my mother, who means very well but is sometimes a bit ignorant on LGBT topics, asked me how couples worked with bi people. Gay, she could conceive, but bi she couldn't grasp.

She knows I'm bi, I've had a very tortuous path through my sexual identity, and my wife has said she twice fell in love with women, not reciprocated, and could have married one had she not met me because her couple experiences with men were growingly frustrating.

I gave her my usual answer, thinking I was being sincere. When you commit to someone, you commit to an individual, not a gender, and the question is somewhat the same for straight people: isn't it scary to know you will never sleep with someone else?

She seemed to understand.

But after this conversation, I realised something. I lied.

Before meeting my wife I was more leaning towards men. I love the embrace of a man, the hands of a man, the stubble of a man, the mouth of a man, the kisses and the hair and the body of a man.

Here I must say I am attracted to my wife. I love her, our sexual life is excellent, we have a real chemistry in that domain and always had.

I don't even think I want a sexual relationship of a man. I don't think I would want to sleep with one, to hold a penis, to do anything of that kind. I fooled around in my youth, mindless sex has never been my thing.

We drunkenly broached this topic this summer and she said that if one day I felt that need she would understand and she thinks she wouldn't mind that much.

But that's not what I want. And I don't think she would accept what I want.

I want a relationship that's tenderly physical. I want to be looked at, I want to be in a man's arms for an afternoon. I want to touch a man's hand. Perhaps just kiss him.

I want something I never had with a man: a tenderness that's devoid of the (sometimes invasive) expectation of sex.

It's starting to be an intrusive thought. I dream of it several times a week. Having a drink with a man and reaching for his hand above the table. Locking eyes with him and seeing a sparkle in his.

And I don't know what to do with that. Will it go away with time?

Has anyone experienced this?

I am at loss. Thank you for reading me...