I 19 (f) and I’ve struggled with this for a very long time. Most of my life or all my life I’ve considered myself straight but I was introduced to inappropriate stuff as a child and had this fear of liking girls. I even remember one friend telling us that her mom said that lesbian women can’t have kids and I was so scared (we were 8).

I was also a huge fan of Nicki Minaj and if I’m being honest I kinda was attracted to her in the music video of her track high school but I was in primary school. So I don’t know if I was attracted to her or just the idea of being with her (???) I know this sounds weird but then life moved on. I only had crushes on guys all my life. But I’ve always found women more attractive.

Then we have porn (I know that porn is not reality) and I’ve always been into stuff that involved women and I wasn’t fetishising women who liked women. Sometimes I felt like I watched it bc I wanted these things done to me but I was also curious. I felt bad bc I couldn’t see myself being in a relationship with a woman. It’s just very complicated bc when I’m outside I mostly look at guys and when I look at women I admire them. When I had dating apps I set it for both but I just saw girls as my sisters but I’ve found myself being attracted to women on a platonic/admiring (??) level.

Bc I’ve been told before that I sound bi bc being bi doesn’t mean 50/50 but I have a hard time accepting it if it’s true bc that would mean that I might be sexually attracted to women and I don’t want to be the “straight” girl that hooks up with a girl and realises she never liked them. I also don’t want to get fetishised by men if I find out that I’m actually bi.

I just wish I could meet a girl I actually like and go on dates with her and get to know her to see if my feelings are genuine bc I would actually go on a date with a girl.

I honestly don’t know what to do bc there are seasons where I questions myself like this but there are other periods (much longer this time) where all I think about is men and dick