Hi, I’m 18m.

So, I was diagnosed with autism back in 2023, and I’m mentioning that because it may play into this.

I’ve identified as gay my whole life, and was closeted until 16. I’m posting on here because I don’t really know what my sexuality is, and I’ve found this sub to be a lot more chill and open for discussions and stuff.

The more I explore my sexuality though, the more ‘broken’ I feel.

I didn’t come from a loving home, and didn’t have a good childhood, and now I’m really worried that my perception of love is messed up and weird.

In theory, I like the idea of a relationship, but in practise it’s a different story. I haven’t had an irl relationship, only a couple hookups, and I hated them. I came to the conclusion that I was demisexual and needed more of an emotional connection.

Sometimes though, I feel asexual. Other times I feel like I could maybe be biromantic? I don’t know. I know there’s no pressure to figure it out, and labels can make it unnecessarily stressful, but I seriously feel upset about it.

A lot of the time though, I don’t even feel like a person. I struggle to relate to others, and struggle with other things, and worry that I’m just not cut out to have a romantic relationship.

I know this is a common feeling, but I really feel like I don’t belong in any community. I struggle relating to the gay community, the ace community, the bi community, honestly everywhere.

I’m not trying to force myself into a relationship, but I am conscious that I do want one. I just worry that I actually am not built for romantic love and I’m not meant to be in one. Part of this is because I really can’t wrap my head around romantic relationships and understand them. Whenever I try I feel like I’m faking it.

Sorry this post is a mess. All my friends are leaving for university, and I’m stuck at home trying to overcome my depression and panic disorder. I feel super overwhelmed and alone. I couldn’t cope with college or high school, and couldn’t hold a job, and I feel like it’s the same for relationships. Would love to just talk with people about this and try and wrap my head around it.