Bisexual, identity, sexuality and Self realization a path, but not the only one.

This is my story of discovery I call it “Woodland swimming”.

I suspect like many my sexuality and sexual identity started to become awaked in my teens, pretty much I guess as by body developed. However, unlike my friends who began fantasizing on boys, male pop/ movie stars, sportsmen and discussing how to attract males, marriage, having kids, etc. I was also looking/ fantasizing over girls.

At first, I thought that they/ us all must think like me, but were just not expressing it. But as time passed it became apparent that this was not the case, while other girls (my friends) started exploring with boys sexually getting their first “boyfriends” I felt a dilemma growing as I could sense inside me that I was as interested in girls as much as I was in boys.

There was no easy way to explore this though as none of my friends showed any signs of a shared interest in this, most in-fact the opposite either expressing distain, indifference, some even hostility on this subject. I tried asking some teachers about how I felt, but that got me no where with dismissals like “you’ll grow out of it” or its either gay or straight, that no one’s in-between. I felt sort of lost in the woods and all alone.

I therefore retreated inside myself, supressed my sexuality, exploration and activities to concentrate on my schoolwork.

It was not until university that things started to change and the woodland swimming began. Looking back, it was “Freshers Day” that was when I took my first step along my path of discovery. Fresher day for those who don’t know is the day you join the university clubs and societies that you think that you’ll be interested in. So along with joining the Nursing society (as I was a Nursing student), I joined the photography and rambling societies, the netball, swimming plus the rowing clubs. I had always enjoyed netball at school and rowing seemed like fun. I did not join the LGBTQ society because as said I was supressing myself.

So, I settled into the university lifestyle, living in a dorm, making friends, studying and enjoying myself, expect sexually. That changed one day unexpectedly and changed my life forever.

It was a normal day, like any other, breakfast then off for a row. We were training hard for our first regatta and the 5 of us were determined to put on a good show. Any way after training and a shower, one of the team casually remarked that “you have a great body…very sexy”, you could have knocked me down with a feather!

I was dumbfounded blurting out some gibberish like “no…too skinny, too lanky”, she just laughed me off and said, “let’s have a drink tonight”. I agreed but then spent all day in turmoil one side of me excited the other saying don’t go, don’t do it. As you can imagine little studying was done that day as I could not concentrate my mind on anything but the evening ahead. Still right up to about 5 minutes before I would have to leave, I was still in two minds.

The second step along the path.

Yes, I went, we had dinner and some drinks, of course we had socialised before but only as a part of a group, this was different, just the two of us. She was pretty straight forward again surprising me by making it clear that she was attracted to me sexually as well as asexually. Not long after that evening my first sexual relationship began.

My eyes, my emotions, my sense of sexual self were now open and exploring. But there was still niggling on me and that was my attraction to men.

Although now a second-year student living in a shared house on and off with my gf as a “lesbian couple” I could just not get this off my mind. I tried discussing this with her and other girls in our circle, but they were just not acceptant on this. Again, like at school I was smothered by binary attitudes and prejudice.

It was not until getting close to the end of my third year, that the next step and change of path in the woodlands happened.

Now more confident in myself as a woman, as a person and the possibilities in life that I was able to be more open and forthcoming with people. Although most who knew me considered me lesbian, either in a positive sense or negatively, there was one to it seemed to matter none.

He was an ex-Army medic, training to be a nurse. Although older than me (in his 30’s) he was 2 years behind me at Uni. Anyway, to cut a long story short we became friends, nothing sexual, just close friends (although he did introduce me to the joys of wild swimming). Why is he important? Well because he supported me and encouraged me to be myself and not subject to the labels given by others. In other words, to live my own way not “by others leave”. Second, he introduced me to couple he knew and we became friends, again nothing sexual but they being bisexual themselves gave me some very useful advice on and ideas about how to explore safely as a woman.

Many paths to explore

So, jumping on a few years, I took my US nursing board exam and spent some time as a travel nurse in Colorado. I don’t know why, but it just felt easier to be myself in another country. Maybe because there were no ties to the past, nothing/ no one to impress or to upset. So, I didn’t try to impress, had a few causal sexual relationships with folks with various gender identities and enjoyed myself, gained more confidence and strength.

Then on returning to the UK, I was a completely different person to the shy, introverted 18-year-old starting university. Now back with my previous gf, but in an open relationship I feel contentment in my life.

On coming out to family, well that’s another long-complicated story, which I will write out soon.

I hope my story helps others and contributes something positive to the discussion.