I'm (32F) in a predicament, not entirely of my own making, with the wife (43F) of co-worker (let's call her Mila and him Jim) . We met over two years ago at an after work gathering, and I thought she was stunning. We chatted a bit that night and I distinctively remember in my tipsiness saying to her husband (in front of her) that his wife was a smoke-show. That night I did get her number but never used it, though she remained pleasantly in my thoughts.

Over the next two years, we encountered each other several more times and conversation mostly landed between our love for 90 Day Fiancé and the stresses of being working mothers. At times she conveyed a sadness that she didn't feel desired by Jim, but I always tried to be supportive of their relationship or supportive of her as a woman who could take care of herself in any set of circumstances. For context, she's like a cross between JWoww from Jersey Shore and Jennifer Coolidge, and she works in a male-dominated department -she is a tough, edgy, yet ultra-feminine woman. In the last 10 months, we've gotten closer and my partner (34M) and I have developed a good friendship with both her and Jim. I've had a crush but kept things 100% platonic, though her husband knows I'm bisexual.

Fast-forward now to the last 6 months, things have begun edging away from platonic and way more flirtatious -from Mila to me. I went to a drag show with Mila, Jim, and some of their family members, and I could feel her eyes burning holes into me. We went to the bathroom together, as I was readjusting my boobs in my bra, she came up behind me with an "Ohh yeah, I like that!" I laughed it off, but she grabbed my boobs from behind and said "I can't help it, I'm a tit girl" as we exited. After that night, I felt pretty confident she had a crush on me too but kept a pretty solid boundary where I've let her flirt with me and not shut her down, but not initiated anything. We're almost always around her husband when these things happen, for what it's worth.

A little over a month ago, at another after work outing, Mila kissed me. It was a couple pecks at first, I didn't take it that seriously because she was drunk. Then she slipped me tongue...in front of my partner and another co-worker...in a crowded bar, not once, but twice -and I kissed her back. After the 2nd kiss, she looked him dead in the eye and asked "Does she want me?", he nodded his head. The night ended with me leaving shortly after my partner, somewhat enthralled but also a little confused about whether this was drunk straight girl behavior or if she was genuinely interested. We had plans to visit the Farmer's Market the next day, and before picking her up -I changed the sheets and got my toys ready just in case action might occur.
There was no action, we didn't even discuss the night before, but I had a blast with her at the market! Still, I felt uncomfortable because I 100% want a friendship with her, but don't want to be the token bi-girl who people makeout with on a whim without consideration for my feelings. I'm direct, so I texted her the next day and told her how happy I am we've grown closer, I appreciate her spending some of her limited free time with me, and that I would be happy to make time to kick it, shop, or go down on her in the future. Her reply was modest but did not admonish anything I said. I resolved that I would continue not to initiate, I would remain open and friendly, but we would have to discuss what's been going on.

This past Friday there was a retirement party for someone Jim and I worked with, she texted me days before to confirm I'd be going. As has become the standard, it was nothing but pleasantries at first, enjoying group conversations, some light ribbing. There was a point where I broke away from the group to eat with another friend/co-worker, someone who's also queer and who was aware of my situation with Mila. I gave them the rundown, and how I feel conflicted because while I like and respect Jim -his wife wants me and I want her too. This friend advised it's her responsibility to discuss things with her husband, and as we were talking...Mila showed up, begrudging that I'd been absent. As the night progressed, we kissed several times, until I decided it was time to talk. We sat out on an almost empty patio and began the discourse. I asked her what was going on and whether she'd done stuff like this before (w/ women), whether this was just a drunk thing, whether Jim knew. I also advised her that I love spending time with her in any context but there's undeniable chemistry and sexual tension, which my partner is aware and approving of me pursuing -but I'm not going to do anything that creates drama in Mila's life or mine. I told her how I was attracted her appearance at first but got to know her, and think she's even more beautiful, and though everything is solid on my end, she needs to have a conversation with Jim if she wants more with us. She asked whether I would do it for her, I refused. Overall, we seemed on the same page but she's inexperienced with all this. This discussion went well enough that my hand found itself up her skirt. The kisses kept coming, I stopped caring as much about who saw, to the point men approached us trying to spit game, and she proudly/loudly declared: "She's mine, back the fuck away"...repeatedly. In between the flirting and fondling, there was great banter. The precipice came when she followed me into the bathroom where there was more making out and I briefly kissed her between-me-down-there, before we parted ways.

Besides an "Omg girl" text from her the next morning, we haven't talked since. I feel somewhat dishonest for doing what I've done with her so far without her husband knowing. I do not know unequivocally that he would be alright with his wife having intimacy with a woman, not to mention anyone else. To my knowledge, I've never been the "other woman" and at my age, I'm not especially interested in starting that with the wife of someone I work with. I feel with how our friendship has been grown, we either need to relieve the tension and explore it or shut it down altogether. I also rebuke the line of thinking that Mila and I fucking without Jim's understanding isn't cheating -I don't see bisexual/bi-curious sex as not being intimate. I believe that it's not my job to be their relationship counselor and if she can't address her needs to her partner -we shouldn't nurture anything besides a platonic relationship, otherwise it would be cheating.

I'm of two separate but equal minds: we're consenting adults who want each other and can do whatever we please, and I don't want to introduce new drama in our lives by disregarding 1/4 of the parties it may affect. Part of me feels that if she were so concerned about her husband, she wouldn't be making out with me in a bar -but sex is different.

I have never been in such a situation, I am genuinely unsure what approach is best. I want her badly, but I more so want my life to be free of jealousy and drama. I have a polyamorous background, I have been monogamous with my male partner/hetero-relationship, but she is a different entity to me whose harmony I don't want to disturb.

Is this a dynamic worth skipping altogether? Is she just fishing for validation? Could there be anything positive from Mila and I exploring our feelings? It's been a while since I've had this connection with another woman, I do appreciate it, but I also don't want to build a castle made of sand.

Edit: It’s pretty obvious people haven’t actually absorbed that I don’t think I’m “above the board” morally. I phrased the title as I did because honestly I do believe what I did was wrong, and I feel concern that this other person might not be forthright with their spouse because we’re both women, in addition to the fact that most of our “intimate moments” have been in his presence as well as others. I think it cheapens my identity to be a chick that hooks up with straight attached women, but I’m a human being nonetheless and not perfect. I’m not making excuses for my choices, however the escalation of her behavior certainly left me feeling confused until we discussed it 5 days ago…