I remember back when I was 13 I had an HOCD phase and now I think it’s coming back.

I’ve only ever been attracted to men romantically IRL. There’s some women I find really pretty. But I never thought of them romantically.

I used to watch a lot of lesbian porn and I think that’s the main thing that confused me. Because I thought the acts like scissoring looked like it felt good. and when I was going through puberty I wanted to try. Now I don’t really care if I do or not. It’s not something I really desire. That was the only thing I was curious about with women really.

But how is sexual attraction defined? Arousal? Desire? I remember seeing a girl once I thought she had a nice butt and I did get a little aroused. I think I was about 16. And never happened again.

I think I only experience sexual attraction with men when I have a connection with them. There are some rare occasions where I do experience it with random men. When I say that I mean I get attracted to them by their looks alone. Want to be around them, think about them all day, etc.

When I was with my ex, I was always in the mood. And would get excited from almost anything. We were together for 3 years. I did have a bit anxiety in the beginning since it was my first relationship. But after that, it was pretty great. It did get a little toxic towards the end and I was devastated but I moved on.

I have a crush on a man and we flirted a bit. I would gladly suck him off. And often fantasize doing things with him. I often fantasize about us cuddling too and having a family.

The thing with men though is I sometimes get anxious when they’re romantically invested in me and they show affection. Not sure if it’s related to my dad being a robot when it comes to emotions. But I tend to want to avoid them even though I like them and want to date them.

With women, I thought about it a few times and living with a woman seems fun. I don’t think I would cuddle or sleep in the same bed though. Not interested in kissing either. So I guess I see it as more in a platonic way.

But it seems every month around ovulation, I seem to focus more on the scissoring acts and masturbate to those. But even during this time I don’t necessarily desire to do it. Basically I would fuck anything but not necessarily attracted to the person. Any other time I’m still focused on men and only men.

I keep getting obsessive thoughts now that I’m bisexual or gay. And that I don’t really like men. And I kept getting thoughts last night of being with a woman and I thought it just felt odd. My family and friends would be accepting as many of them are LGBT themselves so it’s not like I’m necessarily experiencing internalized homophobia.

Saying I’m bi feels more freeing and “cool” but at the same time it doesn’t feel right. But saying I’m straight doesn’t either.

I really think porn is messing with me. I should probably stop watching it and then decide.