TW: mental health crisis and mention of suicidal ideation

I’m 18m and genuinely am out of ideas.

I get severe panic attacks, I’m depressed, and my anxiety is crippling. I’ve switched antidepressants 3 times over the last few years. Even though I want to improve, I can barely leave the house. Panic attacks are truly awful and aren’t something I’ve been able to work through or ‘learn from’. They are torture for me and make me feel ill for days.

Bluntly, im feeling hopeless. I’ve struggled all my life, and have never felt truly happy. I come from a bad home and don’t feel close to my family. My parents are divorced and not speaking with each other. They aren’t great people.

I’ve been to the GP SO many times. I’ve been with CAMHS, Mind, phoned helplines, spoken to CMHS (I’m in the UK). I’m not being taken seriously. I was on the phone to 111 (it’s like the NHS health helpline) yesterday and they said they don’t recommend hospitalisation because I can ‘get better at home’.

My current ‘support’ is seeing the GP once a month or so and being told that I’m on a waiting list that’s over a year, and that despite being suicidal I’m not going to get much support.

I can’t afford private healthcare. I’m not in school or work so I don’t have access to the related counselling.

I’m tired of being stuck in this hell. I’m tired of being told that I just need to ‘give it time’ and to ‘prioritise my mental health’ when that’s ALL IM DOING. I’m sick of being told to go on a walk or visit a self-help website. I’ve DONE THIS. I’ve done this time and time again. I’m not saying these things don’t help, but I am having a mental health crisis and need professional support.

It feels like no one is taking me seriously and the world is moving on without me. I don’t just sit and wallow by the way- I try my hardest to push myself, to work towards improving my situation, but I cannot do this by myself.

I am genuinely losing my mind. I feel invisible.

Sorry, I feel bad for being so negative. I’m tired of not being listened to and not being taken seriously.