46F, finally figuring my shit out. For about 45 years I identified as straight (just the kind of "straight" that likes girls dontcha know). I'm in this kind of fragile state right now where I have so much shame from internalized homophobia, and also shame from imposter syndrome (nobody needs another middle aged lady claiming to be queer). So anyway, I feel awkward most of the time these days, even though only a handful of friends know.

And I have to tell you. Being on this side of things, I'm seeing with new eyes how the way we talk in our culture is so heteronormative! The other day two female coworkers and I were talking about teenage crushes we had, and one of them asked me about mine by saying "what was he like?" ...because I'm married to a man so all my crushes obviously were boys, right? Or like it's always socially acceptable to point out that a member of the opposite sex is attractive ("he's a tall drink of water") but doing so about someone of the same gender will mean I would have to explain myself.

I just didn't notice it before. Not only did I not notice it, but I played right along with it. It's probably part of what has always made me want to fit into straight culture, to access this ease of communication and understanding. (Even at the expense of being fully honest.)

It's been eye opening and has definitely given me a new perspective on what other members if the LGBTQ community have been experiencing this whole time.