Big TW: mental health crisis, suicidal ideation, depression

I’m 18m, autistic and I've been suffering depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. I live in the UK. I think people believe that therapy, counselling and stuff like that is just something you can begin.

There's so many waiting lists, payment walls, and just bad problems with trying to get professional help. I've been to the GP so many times, been to many people in the hopes that I can get some professional support, and I've had no luck.

I feel as though the mental health system has failed me. My friend was able to get support really quickly, yet I had to wait months when I was at my lowest.

I know this isn't true but it does make me feel bad about myself when I can't get the help, like I'm undeserving of it. I guess I get frustrated because all I want is professional help, and I've tried everything, yet all people will tell me is to get professional help and the cycle repeats. I feel like I'm not being listened to, like I'm not being respected.

I feel like a number or a statistic. it's really difficult to cope with. I don't have a good support system or good relationships so I feel on my own a lot? I spoke with primary care earlier today and they said the waiting list was OVER 9 MONTHS! CAMHS discharged me because I turned 18, I can't commute to paid therapy because of panic disorder, and adult services haven't even got back to me (I put a referral like half a year ago). the GP isn't helping either, just putting me in contact with primary care for the cycle to repeat.

I have expressed severe suicidal ideation, but I guess unless I have a ‘plan’ I’m not high enough on their priorities.

I know this is way above Reddit’s pay grade, I just need some support. Every time I’ve expressed this I’ve been told to get professional help, yet getting professional help is impossible.

I’m feeling hopeless. Just gonna down some sleeping pills and sleep the night away.