Let me tell you about Louis. He was a cautionary tale. A scar.

He was my best friend at an age where best friends are hard to come by. The advent of my thirties. A time of flux when my peer group was struggling to define themselves. It was a jumping off point in time for all of us.

The last time I saw Louis was the night we hooked up. Roughly 2014, muggy as all get out in July in Durham.

Up until that night, Louis and I had never muttered a single breath of longing for one another aloud. That doesn't mean there wasn't an element of desire lurking in the shadows of everything we did. Louis had planned this evening, for how long I wasn't sure.

Before we start, let me describe Louis. He looked like Daniel Stern from. Home Alone, but in all the good ways. A very feudal French vibe only missing the pointy helmet. He was smart in so many of the ways I wasn't. Hands on stuff. Nerdy stuff that translates into sexy stuff. The women in our circle were frequently enamored with him. He was a cool guy, but not too cool to get gay with me on our last night.

It was a mixture of Adderall and angst that drove us into Louis's double bed. We had driven to the sex toy prior in order to gather supplies. Poppers, a gigantic veiny black dildo, and lube. I remember Louis telling me that "he was going to fuck me in the ass" before we got into positions on the mattress missing sheets. Our heterosexual vails had fallen into heaps on the hardwood floor in his bedroom.

Louis had a projector connected to his laptop that streamed his Library of Xhamster favorites. No surprise that we were both into Calendar girls and auditions. This was textbook jerk off bros.

At one point Louis asked me if I wanted to make out to which I obliged. Did not like.

We would take periodic breaks to smoke and pop more Adderall. There didn't seem to be any break in momentum. Shorts on, smoke, shorts back off. The rate at which we were slamming beers was compounded by the feeling of absolute lunacy.

But then the enivtable; one of us came. I think it was me, but I can't remember. The entire dynamic changed. I quickly dressed and made my excuses. I didn't know that would be the last time I saw my best friend.

We made a swiss cheese hull of a pact to keep our tryst a secret. We both betrayed that trust immediately. I told the girl in our group most likely to tell a absolutely everyone (also my Adderall source). Louis ended up fucking a girl other than his girlfriend after I left perhaps out of enormous insecurity over what had happened. He confessed to his girlfriend who in turn told my girlfriend.

I wanted to fight Louis. There's no way I would have won (he was hella fit). I drove to his house with fists balled up. At the last minute I deverted to a gas station where I bought a pack of Newports.

In the end things never recovered. Our friend group was splintered. Louis was largely cast out, but it didn't matter. I did manage to write him a long letter prior to him leaving. There was no anger. No pining. Just an apology. We had fucked up our friendship not by hooking up; but by breaking the vow of trust.

Making a new friend in 2024 at my age is tough. I miss Louis.