Hi, bisexual F20.

I traditionally have only dated men. Cis men mostly. But I’ve always felt a deep seated uncertainty. Like I definitely have crushes, fantasize about men, enjoy the relationship, and feel a desire for intimacy. But sometimes I get so unsure whether I am in love with the guys I am dating, or even attracted to them. The only time I did not feel this was when dating a trans guy. Everything felt right with him. But I was really head over heels for him, I’m not sure it actually has anything to do with his gender.

Unfortunately he passed, and since then I’ve had a few fwb situations. Whether grief or just discontent, I was not interested in escalating anything to the long term. They just didn’t feel right. I couldn’t see a future.

Well after two years of being single I decided I should be ready to move on and date again. So I downloaded some apps. And… I have to keep turning the men off. I mean, some of them are attractive, seem very nice. But they make me feel so…. bored and uncomfy. I feel like I’m pulling teeth forcing myself to swipe right, much less to hold a conversation. I can’t convince myself to ask to meetup. I’m being so picky, every little thing is a deal breaker, and none of them inspire a strong interest.

But the women and enbys? Oh my gosh I’m obsessed. When I see someone that’s my type, I gasp. I’m like “when are we hanging out?”. The funny thing is that I’m attracted to masculine women. But when they cross the line into men, I’m like, no. I don’t think I’m any less picky, but the ones I like, I actually want to see irl.

I honestly felt broken like I had lost my ability to love. But maybe the problem is that I’ve been trying to love the wrong people?

When I was younger I was convinced that I was asexual. Then I thought I was bi. Then I thought straight. Then bi again. Nowadays, I’m unsure all over again. My history with men makes me think I must have some fraction of heterosexuality in me. I mean I fell deeply in love with a man. But then why have I suddenly lost all interest in them? Are men on dating apps that bad?