Sorry, this is long.

To start, I want to apologize preemptively in case anything I say offends anyone in anyway. This is just my somewhat raw processing through my life and my own sexuality. I’ve recently started sorting through some of this in therapy and wanted outside perspective. Unfortunately, I lost all my friends when I came out a couple of years ago and haven’t been able to establish new ones. So here I am pouring my secrets out on strangers. Anywho onto the point…

I (29M) have struggled for most of my life with my sexuality. I’ve known since I was 11yo that I was attracted to guys. That alone was difficult enough in my Christian, military household. But then I was also “attracted” to women. The reason I put that in quotes is because I’ve had a very complicated relationship with women. To keep it short, it was just my mom and I in the home and she made it very clear that my sole purpose in life was to support her comfort and make her look good. So I spent most of my life just trying to be good enough for her. Outside of this, I was sexually abused by a group of women when I was in middle school. This lasted almost a year. Told my friend and he said I should like it. I didn’t. Thus a lifetime of questioning my masculinity ensues.

When it comes to dating women, it’s never worked out. 90% of the time I was friend-zoned. Sometimes actually laughed at which feels amazing btw. Of the times it did seem to be working out, I was either played or left for someone she liked more.

Two years ago I finally acknowledged my attraction to men and came out as gay. This was easier and I assumed must be the explanation of my rotten luck with women. This has been a total 180 in my dating life as I’ve seemed to have no issue attracting and dating men. However, I keep coming back to disappointment with my inability to attract women. I know I sound like an absolute turd but I feel what I feel.

I’ve countless hours picking myself apart and comparing myself to friends just to discover why I was so repulsive to women. I’m only 5’6 so I figured that could be it. But some short guys have no problems. I wondered if it was my body so I lost 40lbs and put on muscle. I’ve worked on becoming more extroverted. I’ve changed my style. Become aware of how I sit and how I walk. Nothing helped. I also wondered if somehow subconsciously women knew I was gay but this doesn’t seem to be the case as I’m constantly told how masculine and straight I come across as. Not intentionally, just by default.

I’m slowly coming to terms that having meaningful, happy relationships with women just isn’t in the cards. However, the more I talk to the therapist, the more she encourages me to embrace my bisexuality. But it just feels like a massive contradiction. I don’t feel like I deserve to call myself bisexual when I’m only able to attract men. Like clearly there’s gotta be something wrong with me in that regards.

Again, I know I sound like a sexist turd. It’s not my intent to objectify or demonize women in anyway. Just relaying my personal experience. Any thoughts, positive or negative, would be greatly appreciated.