I've wanted to post on here for a long time just to relate my experience and let it out for therapy, but also because I've always wondered if what I feel, or at least some of what I feel, is more common than I realize. I guess I just wanted to put this out there and see if any other guys can relate to some of my experiences.

So I have this theory that sexuality is a spectrum that has a lot of different variables that go into it including our own senses and understanding of what being masculine is, and trying to get people to identify as gay straight or bi is pretty reductive for something as complex as human sexuality. Growing up asian american and Christian, I found myself trapped between multiple cultures that both seemingly extolled virtues of masculinity from physique, penis size, wealth, sports proficiency, achievement, etc, while also heavily villainizing anything that could be construed as directly or adjacent to homosexual thoughts or actions. I've often wondered how many of the things I've thought about, wondered, or even done, are more common than I realize, but nobody ever talks about them because we can't admit it to ourselves or to others because of those perceptions.

With my bisexuality, I'm not really attracted to men romantically. I really only date women and when I think about a partner in both a romantic and erotic way, I have always thought about women. But with guys, the bisexuality part is that I'm completely okay being physical with other men. I'm not really into the idea of just doing something random and physical with a guy and moving on like a lot of gay and bisexual men seem to be. But it's always predicated on connection. I am far more demi/sapio sexual than most others I think.

As a connection driven guy, I've always valued those deep friendships and bromances between other guys. Not the I hang and drink and watch and play sports with my regular buddies all the time. But that true deep abiding best friends/bros connection where you can talk about the meaning of life and relationships, share the pain in your life, support each other, get each other's back, and be true friends not just in words but in action as well. I've just always never minded the idea of being physical with friends of that depth too. As someone who's touch oriented, I've always enjoyed a good firm handshake, giving my boys a good pat on the back or slinging my arm around their shoulders, or giving a good hug. That's how I express myself. And I obviously like those things done back to me. It makes me feel like someone cares. And I think why shouldn't it. That's how the human species has evolved as social creatures. Touch and letting someone into our space releases positive neurotransmitters and allows physical vulnerability which allows for psychological vulnerability with each other.

The part that I suppress around my other guy friends and wonder if any of them feel the same way is this desire for a fuller embrace. A long hug. That freedom to just hold a friend or touch them without the fear or not just rejection, but having my sexuality or intentions questioned or the worry that the action is in itself "gay". I can sit in silence with my friends and enjoy each others presence, but I've always wondered can we do the same while having my arm just slung around each others shoulders or even cuddling? Why is it I have to fear it being seen as gay or romantic or erotic, but all of us have no problem caressing a dog by petting it, or cuddling with it, without fear of someone labeling us as zoophilic or questioning if you're into bestiality? Why can I receive and transmit the same physical actions with its same mutual benefits to a member of another species, but feel like it's taboo to do so with a member of my own species I've known for a decade and have a depth of emotional closeness with? So I don't do that, and I feel emptier and lacking for it. Why is that not masculine? Can it be masculine?

When it comes to masculinity on a more overt sexual manner, there are often things that feel culturally driven by both the conservativeness of East Asian traditional culture, traditional American masculinity, and also evangelic Christianity's general taboo of not just homosexuality, but just sexuality in general.

With my other guy friends, I've always wanted to ask, in a way that is more driven by curiosity and emotional connection than it is by sexual desire, about our mutual male sexuality. To me it was about comparing notes about our thoughts and experiences as males, about our masculinity. And Masulinity being a gendered thing, is inherently a sexual experience. So I've always been curious and wanted to ask other guys how big their penises were, if they were circumcised or not, how often they masturbated, etc and just feel comfortable comparing those things with each other. In many ways I wanted to know how I compared to them. Did I measure up? Were our experiences similar? Was I hitting the same milestones? Did we do the same or similar things? Where do you measure from? Is there a better way to jerk off? Etc.

Because I didn't have that, my only point of reference for my own masculinity growing up was basically porn and the messaging from society. And growing up asian american, masculinity was the hot football jock with the physique that all the girls loved. In porn it was the white guy who was ripped and had a 9 inch penis that the asian women lusted over. All the dicks I saw in porn were circumcised when I was not. Real guys were supposed to be able to shoot super giant loads like catapults over long distances while being incredibly aggressive and dominant over women. The constant messaging that asian guys have small dicks or were less masculine because they weren't stereotypically seen as alphas and alphas were the only real men.

These things made me feel less masculine and I always wondered how many other asian guys wondered the same thing, but we were never confident enough to talk about our personal sexuality because of both the taboo nature of it, as well as the fact that they felt just as unconfident about it and were too insecure to be truthful to each other about it. If we actually compared notes, would we have a healthier sense of our masculinity because we would know that we were normal and the things that were being told to us were actually outliers?

With all those feelings, I think I've developed these desires that tend to be more overtly bisexual/homosexual but I also wonder if some of these things are more common than I think only because other asian guys who may feel this way don't want to talk about it or share because of those societal connotations.

As a connection/relationship driven person and as someone who's also physical and touch oriented and about presence, I've come to want to just be around other guys who could just mutually be physically comfortable with each other and not have any of those hangups. I wanted friends where you could be those close bros, and overcome these things that were so taboo and be that open and real with each other that you didn't have to hide these intimate parts of our masculinity from each other. Where you would feel comfortable shedding all our body issues and insecurities of if we measured up and just be comfortable being naked around each other. Who could feel comfortable having a boner around each other and just admitting it. Who could talk freely about sex or watch porn together, and even feel comfortable not just talking about masturbating but didnt mind jerking off with each other. And yes doing the things that are more straight up gay, but just being chill about it just because we can do it under the guise of being good friends and not have it mean anything more than what it is. To be able to both admit I'm a guy and I'm horny and sexual and it's no big deal. I think in some ways to me it's about being able to be mutually comfortable with our own and each other's masculinity, and in doing so, feeling validated by someone else who accepts your masculinity with their masculinity.

It'd be nice to see what other people think and would be great to have other people who can relate to these feelings or experiences. DMs open for anyone that might want to chat.

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