Ok I almost feel like a fraud for saying this because there is still a deep part of me that says I'm straight and in denial.

I've adopted the label bi for now because I feel like I am finally learning to accept my entire sexuality. I even have some pride stickers and a flag in my room, I figured it would help with acceptance, plus the colors just look fucking cool.

I digress. Onto the main point of this post:

I feel like I'm constantly gaslighting myself with regards to my sexuality. I'll feel weird feelings towards certain guys, and I think I've had times where I did get aroused by dick? I still can't tell if it's actually men and dick that turn me on.

But then there are times where I try watching gay porn or MMF porn and I just get turned off from it, and I started to second guess myself. But the thing is, I also really dislike a large percentage of straight porn, despite the fact that I am very attracted to girls.

I feel like if I imagine things on my own, then I can get horny thinking about guys, but still, I keep second guessing myself.

It's really stressing me out because this happens super often. I know about the bi-cycle and all of that but like every other day this happens. I'll have some seemingly gay feelings and then the next day I'll for whatever reason not feel as into men or see some stimulus like low quality porn that makes me second guess myself.

I did feel some weird tingly feelings when playing chess with one of my male friends the other night, I want to say it's a slight crush but I don't know what it is. I have a lot of internalized homophobia I think so I guess I might still not have 100% accepted things.

Also, is it possible that internalized homophobia is a reason for me preferring women currently? I feel like my sexuality has started to evolve, now I consciously notice when I think men are attractive, but I feel like it's just not the same as with women, I feel like with women it's a lot stronger, that's why. And like, I don't know, the image of a man sucking dick, it seems unappealing to me. Or maybe I'm just imagining the unattractive guys in the porn videos I clicked on.

Oddly enough, I feel more comfortable imagining these things in the first person, I kind of dislike imagining myself doing anything gay from the third person, aside from kissing maybe. Imagining myself kissing a man just seems kinda sweet. I really feel like I do want to try it haha.