I wish I could just stop being confused. Reading experiences on here, I feel like I relate to a lot, but there's also a lot I don't relate to.

Earlier today on the subway, I caught myself wondering what it's like to kiss and cuddle a guy, and then I imagined myself enjoying it, like as if it were absolutely mind blowing and even better than any girl I had kissed.

It's weird, because I'll have thoughts like that, or feel weird feelings, but then I'll not really be turned on by gay porn I've watched. but then again, I haven't watched much and dislike most straight porn as well.

I also thought about how I didn't think seeing a dick turned me on, but honestly, I'm not really attracted to vaginas on girls either, I feel like it's mostly the rest of the body, and I think it's the same with men.

And then sometimes I find myself wondering what it'd be like to get fucked in the ass, but once again, I don't really seem to be turned on? But that seems like it would feel really good?

I really do have a lot of internalized homophobia to deal with. I know it's wrong but mentally I just view straight sex as "better" than gay sex. Now I've only had straight sex so I can't compare the two, but it's hard to not view women and the heteronormative perspective as "better", I guess due to societal indoctrination. Trying to work through it though.

I'm just confused because I hear some bi people say, "well I saw that hot person and knew immediately", whereas for others its not so obvious. I remember watching a bisexual youtuber actually.

He was like, oh, I have no desire to touch a penis or kiss one etc, I'm not gay. He always seemed pretty defensive about the fact that people assumed he was gay, which I think is common when you're in denial about it.

Anyways, in another video he said that he had been with men and knew it was not for him.

Then a few years later, on June 1st: "I'M BISEXUAL"

I think this is what a lot of my denial comes down to. I know this impostor syndrome of, "I'm making this up for attention" is common and irrational. I keep telling myself that I am somehow not like everyone else. Oh, I exhibited all the signs that let everybody else know they were bi, except I'm actually not bi guys.

But, has anybody experienced this? Like not being that into genitals/gay sex and then slowly over time it sprouted?

I mean, to be fair, if figuring out your sexuality was so clear cut, questioning wouldn't need to be a thing.