I tell (M)y kids that all the time. See which fills up first. The problem is I know what I want I just can’t bring myself to do it. Thus my hand is constantly shitty. Here’s the situation. I have been married for a wonderful 21 almost 22 years. We have two great kids whom I want to kill on a daily basis because they’re both teens and socially awkward and have no friends. I bring this up because well, I need to deflect. The fact is my marriage is great my sex life sucks. No, that would be something what I’ve got is a sexless marriage with a woman I love more than air itself. 2 years ago I came out as bisexual. I was 48. Since then my bicycle has beaten me up worse than it had in the previous 48 mainly because denial was a great shield. That and internalized homophobia. So now I’m 50 in a sexless hetero-normative relationship with a woman I never want to hurt or lose and all I want (see there’s the issue) all I want is an open relationship where if I need to get fucked suck a dick or whatever, I can. But even if she were to say yes I’m the kind of asshole that feels bad when I even thing about it. (Fucking Religious-in this case Catholic-guilt) so even if she agrees to open our marriage, I could never bring myself to do it. And that sucks because everyday I slide a little deeper into my personal abyss all I want is sex, to feel that connection to give someone pleasure, to receive pleasure of my own… I often consider prostitution or porn. Could I justify the sex by saying it was “all in a days work”. Could I really convince myself that way? I’d like to try. But only if she said yes.🥺Either way I’m gonna end up with a shitty hand. I always do. Thanks for giving me a moment to vent…

EDIT/additional information— my wife and I do talk about it. She isn’t willing to open the marriage, and if she was I don’t know that I could do it. Our Marriage is secure. She is Asexual (sex adverse) and she has tried libido enhancing meds. She’s in counseling now for other things and has talked about this with said counselor. Sadly, this isn’t something that can be fixed…I really just needed to get it off my chest for a minute.