28M here. A year ago I entered into a relationship with an old friend, 27F. We've been great friends for over 8 years, and there is a lot of love and communication in the relationship. We met in New York (she was there temporarily on an internship) and on a whim I decided to ask to hold her hand. One thing led to another, and we became romantic. We had sex exactly once (with a condom) before COVID hit. We're now living in different states and while our plans to reunite aren't concrete yet, the long-distance relationship has gone pretty well.

I've been worrying about the prospect of sex whenever we do meet again. I'm not against the idea of a kid one day, but I absolutely, 100% do not want to be having kids right now. My girlfriend is not on any hormonal birth control, and does not have an IUD, and does not personally believe in abortion. She suggested condoms as an alternative, which is fine with me, but I've realized that I wouldn't not feel comfortable having consistent sex unless I was the condom was the back-up to another form of birth control.

I've been doing a lot of research on the failure rights of different types of birth control, and condoms is something to the tune of 98% perfect use / 85% regular use. If we ever have consistent sex, I don't think I'd be comfortable with that risk. I've never had unprotected sex in my life, and every girl I've had sex with has also been on birth control, in addition to me wearing the condom. Pulling out with a condom on seems like a buzzkill, not to mention it might even increase the chances of an accident if it slips off in the heat of the moment.

In a previous relationship, my SO tried hormonal birth control (the patch), with poor results - it made her extremely moody, in addition to vomiting. She also gets very heavy periods, which I've read might not be great for a copper IUD. I've read about hormonal IUDS and how they release progesterone-based chemicals that do not get absorbed into the bloodstream, but the literature has been mixed about whether that affects mood. And to top it off, she gets UTIs from sex, which I've read do not work well with spermicide-based methods. It's lot for a dude to wrap his head around, and I'm trying my best!

It's not my right to tell her what to put in her body. But I also think I should have a choice about the risks I want to take when having sex, considering I would have to be a part of the consequences if she got pregnant. She thinks we could come up with something that would work and make us both happy, but I'm not sure what other options there are on her end.

We've talked about this a little bit, but being long-distance and not actually having sex, it was counterintuitive and felt like the cart before the horse. We haven't even seen each other in a year, let alone had sex, and it feels like one one of those answers I want to solve with her without actually having the means to work through it. Whenever we do meet again, we will probably jump into sex, and the condom will be the the only thing between us...something that I guess is ok for a few times, but not something I'd want to continue long-term.

I've been having a lot of anxiety about it in the meantime - in my mind, it seems like a Catch-22 where there isn't any solution other than pills (which she probably doesn't want to do), IUD (another question mark - interested in people's experiences), and a scare-type situation that would involve Plan B, not something I want to go through.

TLDR; I've realized I'm not comfortable having sex just with condoms alone, something that I feel a little guilty about, but realizing I feel strongly about. I'm not in a spot right now where I can be responsible for a child. I don't know if I can come up with a solution with my SO that respects her autonomy while also providing an additional layer of protection.

What are your thoughts? Are there any alternatives that I'm not thinking about? Is it ok to ask her to bring some type of BC to the table as well, and if so, what kind? Do you think this can be worked out?

Edit: I have no problems with condoms! I want to continue wearing them! But used together with another method to decrease the risks of pregnancy.