I’ll just start by saying having a psychotic break is not a pleasant thing. I have never had one this bad. After a month or no sleep, chronic stress and emotional hell I wanted to kill myself. I couldn’t recognise that I was in the middle of rapid cycling.

I decided to move and packed my flat in one day (having not even found a place to move to), laid on the couch listening to Johnny Cash the next day. On my third straight day of no sleep and deciding to wash all my clothes, sheets, bedding etc. the thought was clear - end it and I’ll never have to worry about anything again.

I called a friend who was familiar with my diagnosis and urged me to go get help. I did and after another 38 hours without sleep I was put in a facility. I was there for a week and finally released. My psychiatrist has adjusted my medication and I’m now sleeping better but the black dog of deep depression is hanging over me.

I dread waking up. I’m not working and don’t envision that I’ll be able to anytime soon. My life seemed set out before me even with my diagnosis. I was able to go to school, make friends and have something that resembled a “normal life.” I was “high-functioning” I guess.

Now anytime someone calls there’s an uncomfortable silence when they realise I really am not up for being social and would rather not have picked up. But failing to pick up makes everyone think I’ve killed myself.

I no longer know what I’m meant to do. The career path I’m on suddenly feels closed off. People keep asking if I’m sure that’s what I want to do.

Oddly enough, pre-diagnosis I was totally unsure of what I wanted to do and jumping from one thing to the next. I don’t know and I don’t know that it even matters tbh.

Thanks for reading. Nice to have some place to vent.