I've sure found a multiplicity of ways to f*ck-up my life financially... never to any point of ruin... but have pissed away a LOT of money over the last 5-10 years from before diagnosis, to full-grade adult-sized episodes that I didn't know I had in me... I recently hired a bookkeeper, and we're going back 5 years to look at everything... and it's really f*cking me up! I'm using this to truly get control of my finances... I'm going to start running me like Me, Inc. when it comes to finances, and have to look at quarterly statements, profit & loss, and related helpful summaries...

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Financial matters are such a trigger for me. I use money recklessly when fucked up - then spend lavishly when depressed to feel better... which are just feeding one another at this stage... I'm fortunate to make a lot of money, which has made it so the consequences of my actions aren't catastrophic... but the losses are very significant nonetheless, and I need to get a hold of myself!!! ...I'm also afraid that I won't be able to make a lot if I truly breakdown at some point. I want to be able to put a bunch away so I am "safe" if I fall down and can't function in the workplace at some point. And finally, if... if... I make it to some form of retirement, I want to make sure I have the rigor to manage without risking a nest egg to keep me afloat in my latter years when I don't have the luxury of time to recover and start over... I've "started-over" too many times already for one lifetime.