I shockingly didn't feel that way about my BP2 but definitely did about my hEDS and my PNES... Especially the PNES. It's like, so if I can't better control my stress levels and anxiety and everything, this conversion disorder will continue to give me seizures and make my life hell. No medications for it. No treatments. Just go to therapy and destress? I'M MENTALLY UNSTABLE. HOW DO I DO THAT... So I'm stuck like this forever basically. It'll likely never stop. When I fall from an episode, the seizures increase again. So what do I do to stop it. The BP2 I just always figured I was mentally screwed and wasn't ever going to improve and just needed to find my own normal. It helped that I grew up very unfortunate in some areas and learned early that some people have it easier in life than others and that's just that.

But the knowledge that I not only would be mentally unstable basically forever, but would likely never get away from this seizure disorder because of it, made me so hateful and want to give up constantly. It still does often. How many unskilled labor jobs can you do with seizures that can't be controlled? How many places that help disabled people find jobs want to help when they realize your seizures can't be controlled. Sure I can lie and pretend I don't have them to get a job but it'll come eventually. And it'll be known. And how long until that job goes too. Didn't I have enough holding me hostage? How am I meant to ever be a good mum like THIS.

I think every time I get a correct diagnosis I feel both miserable because what if it can't be fixed and why did it take so long of suffering to finally get an answer? And relieved because I wasn't imagining it... I wasn't crazy. It really was happening. And even better, there may even be ways to help it.