I have been diagnosed with bipolar for 2.5 years now. Before then I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. It wasn’t until a month ago that someone told me I don’t just have bipolar, I have bipolar 2. When I go into my psychiatrists office he asks how I’m doing and if I’m feeling better. It feels like I’ve been so depressed for a majority of my life that when someone asks if I’m feeling better I don’t even know what to say. Like better than 5 minutes ago? Better than 5 hours ago? Or even 15 years ago? It feels like the answer is continuously “no”. I’ve been on lamotrigine 150 mg paired with 10 mg aripiprazole for a while now. The aripiprazole seems to help my depressive episodes almost more than the lamotrigine ever has. I know aripiprazole is generally used for (anxiety?) so I feel like I don’t even understand the meds I’m on or what they do. I dunno, I feel like my meds just help me exist but not live. My husband asked me today if I’m happy and my first response was “I mean I exist”. I have everything conventionally meant to fulfill your life and I feel like I’m still missing out on life because of my bipolar. When I have my depressive episodes my mind goes 1000 miles a minute, replaying every traumatic experience in my life coupled with the glimpses of happiness or mania. Which leads me to my question I guess. How do you know when your feelings are actually your feelings and not the mania or depression? When I’m angry I feel as though it isn’t really me, its the bipolar. But sometimes I question why I’m mad in the first place and feel like I actually have a reason to be mad but not mad like that. It’s so hard to explain so I hope you understand what it is I’m trying to say. I just want to know when I’m truly feeling something real. Tbh the only time I feel like any semblance of “oh yeah that’s my true emotion” is with pleasure. I truly feel defeated. I feel driven by someone who isn’t me. Almost as if I’m watching as my life passes by with no say as to how it unfolds.