Hey guys,

I had my first manic episode in February this year. It was really bad and I was involuntarily committed. Ended up getting help, diagnosed with bipolar I. Took meds for 6 months, stopped in august.

Since May when I returned to baseline, I’ve been having these flashbacks to the manic episode and basically hating myself for everything I did while manic. I embarrassed myself in front of a lot of people. Friends, family, my teachers, the general public etc.

Every day these memories run through my head and I keep having thoughts like I hate myself, I’m such an idiot, I want to kill myself (even though I am not suicidal, this thought runs through my head at least 10-20 times a day)

Substance abuse for me is still a major problem. I have smoked weed and drank alcohol every day for probably the last 4 years and I can’t stop.

Regardless of my mental state, my life is in decent shape. I love my job that I’ve been at for 6 months now. I just feel like I have pushed everyone away from my life and now all my life is ruined. I don’t know what to do to make it better. Please help